assertive or the big “B”?

Why is it difficult to be assertive?  Is it just me, or does anyone else feel bad when asking for what they want?

Today I went out for a wonderful walk and lunch with my husband (yes, in the cold and rain).  It was great not to have to worry about all the traffic associated with this semi-holiday.  When we arrived at the restaurant and I was hesitant about my order and soon after I changed my mind.  When I went back to change the order, I was immediately greeted with an attitude from the cashier/manager who heaved a great sigh and rolled her eyes.   She went to check if the order had already been filled.  When I realized that it had, I waved to her to just forget about it.

At the same time, another cashier asked me if I needed help and I asked her to tell the other one that if the order had been filled, not to worry about it.  Immediately she went to the gal (who was only probably six feet away from me but behind the “customers not permitted beyond this point” area).  However, the gal did not return, only the other cashier who informed me that the order had been filled, but that they are working on filling the new one.  I told her that I didn’t have an opportunity to give specific instructions about the new order and asked if she relay them to the other girl.

When this occurred, I witnessed the reaction which was “for real?!”  She proceeded then to storm over to an area three feet from me and grab place plastic gloves on her hands like she was going to fill the order herself.  Still in a kind, voice, I told her to just let it go.  But she never even looked at me and proceeded to storm off in the other direction.  I had had enough and just yelled out to her, “Don’t bother.  I don’t even want it anymore.  I don’t need this!”

By the time I returned to my table I was livid and almost in tears.  Why?  Because I didn’t get what I wanted?  No.  Because I felt bad for even asking for what I wanted.  I had been a nuisance and caused someone else trouble because of my wants and desires.

My husband stood up for me and reminded me that I was the customer and deserved to not only get what I requested, but with respect and civility.  I talked him into not saying anything, but a few moments later a manager came out with the new order and apologized for the mishap.  He explained that her reactions were not about me, but something else.  However, when I shared that I was immediately greeted with hostility, he changed his tune and quickly compensated with free dessert and vouchers for a free meal in the future.

Even then, I told the manager I didn’t want to get anyone in trouble or cause problems.  But why should I feel bad about simply asking for what I wanted?  Or even being indecisive and changing my mind?  These are the kinds of societal responses which train us not to be assertive.  However, when we do demand what we want, we are labeled as a bitch.  Is there a way for women to ask for what they want without feeling guilty?  Or are our only choices included living unsatisfied in silence or being categorized as the big “B”?

 

thankfulness: feeling or choice?

Is being thankful a state of mind?  Is it dependent on one’s circumstances or is there always something to be thankful for?  I’m not so sure.

Thankfulness is a powerful force.  It can turn a terrible situation which dominates your thoughts into one that is held in perspective with everything else in life and ends up not looking so gloomy.  The transformative capabilities of thankfulness can alter someone’s outlook on life completely if put into practice consistently.

Unfortunately, it can also cause guilt.  After all, aren’t we all supposed to be thankful?  For something?  Anything?  And when we’re not, we’re considered ungrateful, selfish, and pessimistic.  But what if we’re just being honest?  That we don’t have that “thankful” feeling?  Which brings up another question- is thankfulness a feeling or a choice?

In American, it seems like it is more of a choice than a feeling since a special day is designated which tells us to “be thankful.”  As we are choosing to “be thankful,” perhaps nostalgia plays on our feelings and suddenly, we also feel thankful.  So is that true thankfulness in the moment?  Or a comforting feeling which takes one’s mind off of the problems or hardships at hand until reality sets in again?

It’s important not to cover our true feelings with a shield of gratefulness; not that thankfulness isn’t important in the process of healing, but sometimes we use it to either convince ourselves things are better than they are and we don’t seek help.  And how can someone help us if they don’t know that there are not too many things in your life for which you’re thankful?

Either way, here we are on Thanksgiving Day.  And I am feeling thankful.  And choosing to be thankful.  Not for a day to eat turkey or have off, though those are reasons to be thankful.  But that on this day I can honestly say I am thankful.  I hope that I will have many more thank-filled days to come.  And I hope that those who are not feeling thankful will feel free to admit that too because that is when the healing begins.  And that IS something to be thankful for.

the princess, the pea and me

Ever feel like the Princess and the Pea?  There is just one thing that is needling you;  it’s tiny and insignificant, but it breaks through all the layers of positive things that are going on and drives you crazy!

I’ve had these amazing days off on Fall break from school.  Spending time with my husband, catching up with friends, making and consuming a huge turkey, working out, going shopping – but no!  That’s not enough!  I have to obsess about the one little thing that is out of alignment and of which I am unsure.  I am such a control freak, right?

Then I started thinking about the Princess and the Pea.  What made her a Princess was because of her delicate nature that she could detect even something as small as a pea.  This pea totally throws her off her balance and prevent her from finding rest and peace.  Somehow, this was considered a strength, not a weakness.

So how do I turn my “pea” from what feels like a weakness into a strength?  Perhaps I can recognize that the reason this little thin is bothering me is because I care.  I care enough to be concerned over it and want to give it my attention.  In addition, instead of trying to ignore it, I can address it, trust that I am doing all that I can at the present moment about it and then move on with confidence that I have the strength to deal with it in time.

Peas will turn up all throughout life.  The question is, will I let them prevent me from finding rest or see them as a sign of my strength and character?

 

It’s not about you!

“It’s not about you!”  I’ve lost count how many times I’ve heard that.  You’d think that I would have learned by now that “it’s not about me,” but I keep making the same mistake over and over again.

The reason for this response is the result of my interpreting situations, comments or actions as caused or influenced by me.  Usually by something I did or did not do.  When in reality, these things happen quite independently of me, thank you very much.  So why can’t I get it into my head that I am not the antagonist of everything and everyone?

I believe most of it stems back to a childhood where a good performance was key to receiving attention and praise.  Otherwise, there was a lot of self-loathing and never feeling “good enough.”  Add a little paranoia and half of an analytical mind, mix it up (which is easy to do) and you’ve got quite an obsessive and sour cocktail.

So now it’s all about retraining, untangling and adding the sweet mixtures to this drink.  Why would I think this can happen overnight?  Well, I didn’t.  In fact, I’ve been giving it years.  Six years to be exact.  But even so, why should I expect myself to completely change my way of thinking in six years when it took eighteen to solidify?

Well, I certainly need to have more hope than to think I have to wait another twelve years before I can change.  In this instance I’m making a conscious effort.  I have control and can stop myself before jumping into my old pattern.  However, being that I’m an extremely emotional person, this makes it a little more difficult because I do not react with my mind, I react with my heart.  So now, I need to learn to include my mind in the process which sounds simple enough, but for me, is obviously quite a challenge.

It’s difficult to believe that “it’s not about you” when you’ve blamed and punished yourself for years.  It’s also a fine line when you believe you’ve tried not to make it about you and now you’re being told the opposite.  It’s a crazy circular pattern which my heart is sick of so I guess my mind must intervene.

I guess I just need to try harder…but wait!  It’s not about me?!

personal growth

What does it mean to grow as a person?  Do we become more positive?  Or perhaps wiser?  Maybe it means we’ve made many mistakes and have learned not to make them again?

Whatever it means, I believe that today I recognized growth in myself.  Something that would normally upset or rattle me, only briefly perturbed me before I moved on.  Usually, I would obsess about it and not be able to let it go for days.  This time, I realized the insignificance of it and that allowing it to control my emotions was a waste of time.  I even concluded my thought process with, “It will work out.”

For me, my reaction to this incident was a result of gaining a better understanding of what is important in my life.  When confronted with what may have seemed life-shattering, I now view it in relation to the events which really have been life-shattering.  This allows me to see the truth of the matter and put it in its proper place: out of my mind.  It no longer rates as worth my time or energy.

This is a huge step for me in my progression towards – whatever.  Actually, that whatever for me is freedom.  Freedom from worry, unjustified concern, acid stomach, anxiety, fear of failure and battles of self-worth.  Identifying the priorities in my life and giving them the value they deserve enables me to devalue those things which perhaps society would cause me to give a second glance.

Today may have been a small step in the scheme of things, but a giant leap for me.

is forgiving forgetting?

Is forgiving really forgetting?  Can you ever really forget?

It’s been said that forgiveness is more about granting yourself freedom than that of the person who hurt you.  To an extent I believe that to be true.  But in my own experience I have found that forgiveness is a conscious choice while forgetting takes time to overcome.  Forgetting means that the pain has subsided enough that different things associated with that painful memory no longer trigger it.  Things like a certain place, thing, event or even words.

So if you have not forgotten, have you really forgiven?  For years I believed that I had forgiven.  Yet I was keenly aware that I had not forgotten and struggled with the effects of those memories which included a lack of trusting others.  Recently, I got to a place where the pain no longer dominated me.  Time had brought healing and with it, an ability to forget.  Not what happened, but the pain caused by it.  Now I had the choice to restore trust which also means vulnerability.

I had longed for this freedom for so long, but had a great deal of fear of being hurt again.  For me, the joy of intimacy and liberation to love the way I wanted to love outweighed the fear.  And the reality is that we all make mistakes and hurt one another because we are human.  After many years, I made the choice to let go and love again.

It is true.  The freedom that I have found in being released from the suppressing pain has been extraordinary.  I feel like I have a whole new life.  I no longer have to live in fear and distrust.  And the small things that used to appear so huge have become miniscule and unimportant in the big picture.

For me, forgiveness has been a process.  Though I thought I had forgiven those who hurt me by saying the words, I found that the pain prevented me from fully releasing them or myself.  Freedom only came when I could truly become myself again –free from the pain and distrust which kept both myself and others from loving fully.

Is forgiving forgetting?  I believe you can’t have one without the other.  What has been your experience?

 

Giving thanks for Christmas

What is Thanksgiving?  Is it necessary to set a day aside to “be thankful”?  Or is it a time to reflect on our lives, reminding us of the good and giving us a new or different perspective?

According to the secular meaning of the holiday, Thanksgiving is about stuffing yourself with turkey (or stuffing yourself with a stuffed turkey!).  If that is the definition, then my husband and I celebrated today.  There was a possibility he would be traveling for work the week of Thanksgiving, so I bought the 20 lb. turkey for the two of us (we have leftovers for a year), and planned on making it today.  Thankfully, no pun intended, he will be around for the official Thanksgiving Day, but we had our secular celebration today.

As we took our dog around the block to walk off the “stuffing,” we looked ahead to the next holiday.  This will be our first Christmas in our new home and area.  When reminded of that, both of our spirits were lifted.  And what could have been a holiday stigmatized by last year’s accident, because a time that we are anticipating with joy.  In that moment, we found the true meaning of Thanksgiving and were thankful that this year’s holidays will not be filled with pain and surgery on Christmas Eve, but with new experiences and traditions.

It’s funny that in thinking of another holiday we discovered the meaning of this holiday.  It was a subtle reminder that we don’t need to set a day out of the year to be thankful.  All we need is to focus our vision; knowing that the past is behind us and that there are still many more new adventures to live.  The thanksgiving is not found in the holiday, it’s found when we breathe new life into our everyday.

smells like? tastes like?

For the first time in a long time, for a whole day, I did nothing.  Well, nothing one would deem productive.  And it felt delicious!

What made it so delicious it not the doing nothing, though that too was wonderful, but what didn’t follow the nothing:  guilt.  For the first time in an even longer time I didn’t feel guilty about doing nothing.  Why is it that we feel bad about nothing – or doing nothing?  When did we find our value in doing rather than being?

For me it came as a child.  Somewhere along the way I equated worth with performance.  And then as time wore on, I learned how to do even more at one time – what so many love to call “multi-tasking.”  I kept piling it on until I couldn’t just sit and enjoy a movie without getting up and doing something , like fold laundry.  Why?  Guilt.  Why guilt?  Just being wasn’t enough.  I needed to earn my existence by giving back.  To whom?  The laundry?

Where do we learn these things?  Why does society demand that we “do” in order to be?  When can we slow down and smell the roses without fear of being pricked by the thorn of guilt?  I got a whiff of what it would be like today and it smelled and tasted like freedom.

is normal valuable?

What is normal?  And can one who is deemed not normal by society, live a fulfilling life?

Today in my one class we watched a documentary about a young couple getting married.  Nothing too out of the ordinary there, right?  But in this case, both the husband and wife have Down syndrome.  Though they struggle with living a fully dependent life, they overcome stigma associated with their condition.

What struck me most about this couple is their love.  We could learn so much from them by how they love.  I’m not talking just about their love for one another, but the great love and affection they show for everyone in their lives.  They have such patience, gentility and collaboration skills.  So why are they considered not “normal” by society when they possess these exceptional skills and capacity which many “normal” people seem to be lacking or incapable?

It’s all about what we value in society.  If you possess what is valued, then you are considered “normal.”  But if you don’t measure up, then you are pushed outside of the gold circle.  Do we value the capacity of loving greater than that of making money?  Obviously not, since money is considered the standard by which we measure success.  Yet most everyone would admit that love is priceless.

Do we even recognize what and how we give value to people and things in our society?  Perhaps if we thought more about it, we’d find that what we consider “normal” isn’t something to value at all.

For more information on the documentary called Monica and David see link below (clips also on You tube):  http://www.monicaanddavid.com/about/synopsis/

freedom = American Dream?

Are any of us truly free?  Is the definition of freedom collectively determined by society?  Or is it possible for each of us to not only describe, but live our own definition of freedom?

Freedom looks different in each culture.  For America, the American dream or financial success might be what is associated with freedom.  The fathers of the Constitution may have painted a picture which resembles more of a pure form of liberty.  Is that kind of freedom still available to us now?  Is democracy true freedom?

What if your idea of freedom rejects that of mainstream society?  And as a result, mainstream society rejects you?  How can we live in freedom when our society/culture has trained us to accept a watered down version of the real thing?

If we could think and live outside this box we’ve built for ourselves to keep us safe and in control, what wonders and diversity we could experience?  Instead, most of us spend all of our lives simply trying to survive and save up for retirement; the time when we’ll finally be free.  This is our idea of freedom?  Could there be more than this?

There are so many times, just in each day, that I am reminded that I am not free.  The narrow-minded and unchanging educational system; the countless ads bombarding me with products I need to be happy, sexy, wealthy or “fit in;” hearing and seeing other people my age who seem so much “further” in their lives while I’m still in school and will soon be coming out with tons of loan debt, just hoping I can find a job in this depressing market.

Is this the path to freedom?  Because I think somewhere along the way we made a wrong turn.