the right to be you

I have been on a hiatus of sorts.  It’s not because I haven’t had any thoughts, concerns or opinions about life.  I guess I just found myself coming up against the same roadblocks, questioning the source, perhaps a common one, of these consistent struggles.

Just the other night I was out with a beautiful artist.  I have seen her work many times and she is a kind-hearted, loving individual.  Yet I hear her say the very words which plague my own heart: can I do it?  Do I have any talent?  Am I beautiful?  I know the answer to all of these questions, but when we are alone with ourselves, we tend to create a comparison which always leaves us feeling less than.  Our society, especially American society, thrives on doing and results.  The expectations placed on us, especially women, make it almost impossible to find satisfaction and pride in oneself.

Society tells women that they must achieve an idyllic beauty which requires youth.  Obviously, this is impossible as we all age, but because so many others strive to reach this imposed rule, we do everything in our power to fulfill it.  Countless, beautiful, brilliant women of all ages with whom I’ve had the pleasure to know, have shared their fear of aging and remaining physically attractive.  The constant fear of gaining even a few pounds or showing signs of a wrinkle plagues their existence.

Then there’s the expectation that women should have it all; if they don’t have both a successful career and children, they disappoint someone.  Many women work hard to obtain an education and use it to compete in an unequal marketplace which not only expects them to give as much, but for less compensation.  Simultaneously, society also places pressure on women to have children whilst making it virtually impossible to maintain the same level of job performance.  Meanwhile, if they do give attention to their work, they may feel guilt or anxiety over their parental role.

As a result, society continues to place women in positions which inevitably cause them to seemingly fall short of its expectations in one area or another.  Personally, I’m tired of never feeling like enough.  No matter how much personal fulfillment I may find apart from society, as soon as I step off my island, I am reminded of my failures.

So how do we break this pattern?  How do we defy these expectations and create ones which build us up rather than tear each other down?  It is hard to walk this path against the grain alone and I don’t believe we are meant to go it alone.  Life is short.  Can we come together and simply claim the right to be ourselves?

I’ve got you in my pocket!

Can the pockets of our clothes reveal our self-perception and society?

Sitting in a movie theater watching the pre-show reel, my husband voiced his concerns for my cell phone.  All possible pockets on my person were bulging because I did not want to bring a purse for this event.  As a result, the only optional home for my cell phone was my back pocket.  This was quite worrisome for my husband who keeps his phone in his front pocket.  When he suggested that as an alternative in order to avoid crushing or breaking the phone (of course he assured me that this was in no way a reflection on the weight or size of my buttocks), I told him that it was impossible.

How is it possible that it should be impossible?  After all, he was able to put his phone in his front pocket.  When I revealed that the front pockets of my jeans were not equipped with large pockets like those on the back, he appeared shocked and confused.   In fact, he stuck his hand in my front pocket to see/feel for himself.  Scandalous, I know.  However, we were not thrown out of the movie theater and continued our discussion.

“Sexist pockets,” I said jokingly.  Can such a ridiculous thing exist?  But it got us thinking about why clothing is made the way it is made.  Everyone’s body is different; shape, size, age, function, etc.  However, designers have discovered a way to classify and label clothing according to a specific standard. The questions that follow are:  who chose the standard, how was it determined and why?  Throughout time the ideal form for the human body has changed.  Has the human body changed drastically over time?  If so, have bodies changed due to some form of adaptation to the environment or in order to accommodate or mimic the trends imposed by society?

Whatever the answers may be, the clothing of our present society reflects certain expectations of different kinds of bodies.  Why do some bodies need or deserve large front pockets and others do not?  Or one can take the opposing perspective and ask why are some bodies are burdened with large front pockets and others are not?  Why are some fabrics used for one body and not another?

Perhaps the most important question to ask is this:  are we allowing society to fit us into their predetermined pockets or are we choosing to fill whatever size pocket we want with who we are?

go ahead, just give up on humanity!

Go ahead, just give up!  It’s not worth it!

Is that how you feel when you try to change things?  It’s so much easier to follow along with the status quo, but when we suffer the effects of our flawed society, we rethink our position.  Take for example our restricted binary gender roles and systems.  Why do we accept only two definitions of what it means to be a male and female/masculine and feminine?  Why do we even have to categorize it at all?

But instead of making the effort to expand our minds about humanity, we remain limited.  It’s too much work.  And why change it?  That’s the easy out attitude.  But what if you were transgender or someone who doesn’t fit into the either or system?  You’d feel rejected by society as even our language has nothing to communicate or identify oneself.  Even if your identity does happen to accommodate the current departmentalizing system, it still continues to force you to define yourself in a very confining way.

Will we ever redefine our society, our culture, our language to include everyone?  Many believe we’ve come so far but when I have friends who do not identify with the he or she pronoun, how can we say we’ve arrived?  We’re not even close.  People fear what they cannot classify.  But I believe that that only prevents us from growing and becoming so much more as human beings; not caught up in putting each other in a box but celebrating and exploring more and more of who we are and can become.

So is humanity worth it?  We must be the change.  Let’s keep fighting for it together.

independent together

Why does society view independence differently for men and women?

When my husband decided to go back to college later in life I was 100% on board.  However, the only way to logically do it so that it wouldn’t take ten years, was for him to quit his job which demand all of his daytime hours.  Thankfully, I had a job and we were in a financial position which allowed me to support us during that time.  I had no problem with it because after two years into it I decided I wanted to go back to school as well and was eager for him to finish.

Unfortunately, others weren’t as accepting of this arrangement, however egalitarian as it appeared to us.  Many were surprised and seemingly disappointed that he did not work at all, even part time.  After all, it was his “role” to be the provider; to contribute something financially.  We were the ones who were disappointed because we felt betrayed by those who would condemn us for investing in ourselves and our future.

Now that the tables are turned, no one seems to have a problem with it.  Yes, there have been two men who have accused me of being a trophy wife and mooch to my face, but after hearing my story they shamefully retract their statements.  No one even really asks me if I work.  Once I say I am a student, that seems to be sufficient to fulfill my “role,” whatever that is to them.  Things are back to “normal” and our relationship makes sense to them once again.

These kinds of attitudes blow my mind.  One is aggressive and one is passive but they both have the same effect; sexism.  Why do we as supposedly advanced human beings box ourselves into these little and truly patronizing roles?  Why can’t we all understand, male or female, that having a loss of independence is difficult for both sexes and not acceptable for one more than another?

Why can’t we celebrate and fight for our independence together?

universal timeline

Are we ever too old?

Well, too old for what, you might ask?  Too old to learn, grow or try something new?  I don’t think so.  Our society creates a seamless timeline for us: college, job, home, family, retirement.  That’s life, right?  But what if your life looks like this:  job, home, college, job, family or job, family, job or home, family, retirement.  Do you get the picture?

Perhaps this timeline doesn’t work for everyone.  Does that mean you’re too old to still attain anything on that timeline at any time?  Or perhaps you don’t even want anything on that timeline.  Does that mean you’re wasting time or don’t fit into society?

I think society does have expectations and restricts people to follow that timeline pretty closely.  However, more acceptance has been made for people to step outside of the box on things like more education later in life; second or third careers; early retirement; no family.  But in the end, in order to reach what society has stated is the reward for following its structured plan for success, one cannot stray far from the line.

Who decided that life should look this way?  We did.  We’re part of society, right?  So how do we break free from this?  It can be very difficult to deviate from the expected norm since society functions around it.  It’s not impossible, but there are many risks and not much security.  In addition, society makes it even more of a challenge by restricting access to certain opportunities based on age.

How can we change this system?  Like anything, it takes time.  But what about your life right now?  Where are you at on the timeline?  Is that where you want to be or have to be?  What would life be like if you skipped around or even erased the timeline altogether?  Who knows what adventures and unfulfilled dreams might come true!

is our truth the truth?

How do we break free from a perpetual cycle?  We may swear that we will not become our parents, but how many find themselves peering into the mirror and seeing their reflection?

Today my husband and I went to see “August: Osage County.”  It spoke volumes on this particular subject.  Not only do we pass down the good life lessons to the next generation, but all of the other unconscious unhealthy behaviors trickle down as well.  Statistics show that addictions and behavioral patterns such as abuse, become a family pattern down the line, despite the pain inflicted on all parties involved.  The movie reiterates these facts as Julia Roberts’ character finds herself turning into her mother who is referred to as a monster.

As in most dramas, we view the extreme moments in the life of the characters and fail to see the mundane or even pleasant times shared. In real life, it is the daily example which engrains us with these patterns; a way to live life.  And since many of us do not have the opportunity to live with other families growing up, we have no real comparison as to what a “normal” life looks like so whatever we have experienced becomes our normal.

For me, my “normal” contradicted my identity and personality.  I was an extremely social person while my family tended to be introverts.  We did not take family vacations or engage in family activities other than evening television.  My mother is a passive and submissive person who sacrificed much of herself to serve others including my family.  I am not a passive or submissive person which resulted in many problems for me.  For despite my own personality, I followed the example and “normal” set for me of what it mean to be a wife.

This “normal” did not work for my husband and I because we are not the same people.  Once we realized that and accepted who we were and that we needed to redefine our relationship, we were able to break free of this cycle.  This of course is a process that continues to this day, but awareness is always  the first step.  I think back to how I tried to live my life and wonder why I felt so confined by these rules I had set for myself.  Rules which said I couldn’t have wants of my own and that my life had to revolve around everyone else.  Rules that when confronted, had no foundation other than it being what I had always known as my own truth.

So is our truth the truth?  What will it take for all of us to break free and see our own reflections in the mirror?