the right to be you

I have been on a hiatus of sorts.  It’s not because I haven’t had any thoughts, concerns or opinions about life.  I guess I just found myself coming up against the same roadblocks, questioning the source, perhaps a common one, of these consistent struggles.

Just the other night I was out with a beautiful artist.  I have seen her work many times and she is a kind-hearted, loving individual.  Yet I hear her say the very words which plague my own heart: can I do it?  Do I have any talent?  Am I beautiful?  I know the answer to all of these questions, but when we are alone with ourselves, we tend to create a comparison which always leaves us feeling less than.  Our society, especially American society, thrives on doing and results.  The expectations placed on us, especially women, make it almost impossible to find satisfaction and pride in oneself.

Society tells women that they must achieve an idyllic beauty which requires youth.  Obviously, this is impossible as we all age, but because so many others strive to reach this imposed rule, we do everything in our power to fulfill it.  Countless, beautiful, brilliant women of all ages with whom I’ve had the pleasure to know, have shared their fear of aging and remaining physically attractive.  The constant fear of gaining even a few pounds or showing signs of a wrinkle plagues their existence.

Then there’s the expectation that women should have it all; if they don’t have both a successful career and children, they disappoint someone.  Many women work hard to obtain an education and use it to compete in an unequal marketplace which not only expects them to give as much, but for less compensation.  Simultaneously, society also places pressure on women to have children whilst making it virtually impossible to maintain the same level of job performance.  Meanwhile, if they do give attention to their work, they may feel guilt or anxiety over their parental role.

As a result, society continues to place women in positions which inevitably cause them to seemingly fall short of its expectations in one area or another.  Personally, I’m tired of never feeling like enough.  No matter how much personal fulfillment I may find apart from society, as soon as I step off my island, I am reminded of my failures.

So how do we break this pattern?  How do we defy these expectations and create ones which build us up rather than tear each other down?  It is hard to walk this path against the grain alone and I don’t believe we are meant to go it alone.  Life is short.  Can we come together and simply claim the right to be ourselves?

clean slate

How does disrespecting someone build a relationship?

This was a question I was asking myself as I listened to someone tell a roomful of people that they don’t know anything about what they do.  For me, I immediately shut down, realizing that even if I should speak or try to have a discourse with them, they would not hear me.  The irony was that the purpose of the meeting was to learn about how to collaborate and build good working relationships.

Once I recognized that they just needed to feel like they had a voice and needed to be heard (not necessarily by me, but by what/who I represented-a wound from their past), I was able to let go and be silent.  However, does that give them the right to immediately through me into the same category as the other negative experiences they had?  And also disrespect me without even taking the time to get to know me?

All of this brings me back to the simple desire for us to be understood and empathize with one another.  Our world would be a much better place if we could all see things from more than one perspective.  How do we do this?  Listen.  But also share with respect and patience.  However, there are also times when one needs to be noisy and act with immediacy; this too needs to be done with respect and specificity.  Once we start throwing around generalities at a large majority, we will most likely not be heard.

So how can we share our wounds in a respectful way which does not negatively impact new and potential relationships?  How can we start each relationship with a clean slate?  We need to figure this out because our future depends on it.

looking past the difference

Are we really all that different?

It’s amazing how similar circumstances and experiences can bring people together.  On this trip I have a roommate who I’ve never met.  She’s from a state on the east and I’m from the west.  There’s an age difference and we’ve been brought up in different households with varying dynamics.  And yet…

We are here for the same reason; we share the same passion-theatre art.  Through that we’ve discovered how much alike we are; in our personalities, interests and even behavior.  Had we not had this opportunity under these circumstances we would never had met.  And even if our paths would have crossed at some other time, who knows if we would have hit it off the way we have now.

That’s the thing about people.  We think that we are unable to relate to each other when the truth is that we have much more in common than we think; not even on a deep down level.  Everyone has a story that follows a basic foundational resemblance; we were all born, had some kind of initial upbringing by someone, struggle to find identity and a place where we belong and need friendship.  So why does it seem so easy to see all the differences?

Perhaps it’s because we tend to put up walls to protect ourselves from being judged by one another.  When in reality, if we would just drop our guard, I think we’d find that we can all get along in mutual respect.  Something that does hinder relationship is the power struggle; the capitalist, classist society which strives to categorize and departmentalize people. But we’re not a product and if we don’t stop labeling ourselves as such, we’re going to miss out on all the wonderful people and possibilities that are out there just waiting for us.

Like the one I’m having now with my roommate!  It’s a smaller world than we imagine if we see all that we share…

surrounded by stories

We’re all surrounded by stories.

So many people.  So many places.  So much life everywhere.  I wish I could hear all of their stories.  Recently, my husband picked up the hobby of ham radio.  Right now he’s only listening in on people’s conversations because he doesn’t have his license yet.  He’s really enjoying it and frankly, I didn’t really understand the fascination until now.  It’s like being a fly on the wall, but all over the country.  In his case, he doesn’t ever see or meet the people; it’s strictly audible.  For me, actually traveling to a different location affords me the opportunity to experience with all senses.

What am I experiencing?  A different way of life.  A different culture.  Sitting in the lobby of the hotel I listen in on the staff’s playful banter and when they’ll take their next break.  I got to meet a man who lives in Virginia and has two children currently on spring break (he drove me in a taxi from the airport).  Along the way, I did some site seeing from the car; it was a perfect auto-tour including the Capitol, Washington monument and the cherry blossoms.  And lots of people visiting the same things.

In the airport waiting for my flight, I heard the life story of a Lebanese woman being told to a young man who was trying to pick her up.  While in line to get breakfast, I overheard a British couple discussing the world dominance of Starbucks. I caught the receptionist picking on the concierge for being so sweet for getting me a bottle of water.  He also took the time to point out the restroom once I’m finished with the water.

It’s the little human connections that make it all worth it; not shutting out the world but inviting it to show you its many possibilities.  I’m thankful to have this opportunity to play a small role in the life stories of others across the country.

just say vagina

Vagina.  There, I “said” it.  Now that it’s out in the open, let’s talk about it.

In honor of Women’s History Month I viewed the documentary “V-Day:  Until the Violence Stops.”  This is a powerful film which depicts the V-Day movement across the world; stripping away the silence associated with sexual abuse against women.  It all started with “The Vagina Monologues” and has reached around the globe empowering and liberating women.

Why don’t we talk about it?  Shame.  Embarassment.  Fear.  Guilt.  Doubt.  Living in a patriarchal society easily instills women with the belief that they are “lesser than.”  That they too are to blame.  That they asked for it or somehow deserved.  And even if they don’t believe all that, families and friends either don’t know how or want to talk about it.  The result?  Victims remain invisible.

Though women need to rise up and share their stories in order to both liberate themselves and help others heal, I’ve heard it said that the key to stopping sexual violence against women is in educating men.  If a man learns how to respect women and see them as equal, they will not violate their human rights.  This seems like an obvious, after all, we don’t teach our little boys how to rape, do we?  So I guess those who behave this way do so due to biological factors –it’s not because they are influenced by society in any way.

Women can demand respect.  Women can protect themselves.  Women can stand united.

But until men stop seeing the vagina as a part of his rights as a man, women will not be free.

Men we ask that you respect us.  Men we ask that you protect us.  Men we ask that you stand with us.  United and free.

For more information on the V-Day movement:  V-Day Movement

the secret of success

How do you measure success?

Most of society seems to find the most value in numbers.  Quantity over quality seems to be the trend.  Countless products are created not to last so that in a few years consumers will need to buy a replacement.  “Doesn’t anything last anymore?”  I can hear my grandmother who lived through the Depression saying this as she uses the remnants of an egg to make a two bite custard.

So does that mean if there are not a lot of people in your life or who “show up” to support you that you have little value?  That your life is not successful?  It’s so easy to get caught up in comparing yourself to others and looking around to find yourself not so surrounded as you’d like.  When I made the move across the country from the east to west coast, the number of my friends quickly dwindled as the miles created more than just geographical distance.

It’s been difficult to build quality relationships.  I find it much easier to quickly count up the many acquaintances I’ve made over time.  However, when I consider how many of those would really be there for me in a crisis, I find my hands more or less empty.  What am I doing wrong?  Am I asking for too much from a relationship?  Is this the trend in relationships too – quantity over quality? 

I know myself enough to recognize that I get more satisfaction from a few quality relationships than a large number with less depth.  But there are times throughout my life that I can’t help but look at the numbers and feel as if I’m coming up short.  What I have to keep evaluating is how I define success; in every area of my life.  And perhaps success needs to be translated into fulfillment.  We all are fulfilled in different ways and some things are more important than others. 

How do you define success?  And where do you look for it?  Inside or outside yourself?

   

trust without equality?

Trust.  Easy to earn, easy to lose.

I love people.  I love working with people.  But there is something about group projects that have always rubbed me the wrong way.  I’m not sure if professors realize that group projects do not reflect real life working environments.  Although there are definitely similar inequality dynamics in the “real world” as in the school room, there is not the same form of accountability.  So what usually happens?  One person does more work than another.

Case in point.  I started my first group project of the semester this week.  We assigned each person the task of submitting work to the professor each week by a certain time.  When that time rolled around and the group member had not yet sent the information, another group member texted me in fear.  “What should we do?  They haven’t posted yet!  How long should we wait?  Will we offend her?”

For the next three hours I communicated back and forth with each group member, trying to navigate diplomatic accountability.  As the countdown continued and the person still did not send the information, though they told me they would, the other group member and I conceded to step in and do the assignment ourselves.  We communicated this and only the next day did we hear from the other group member.

So we spent more time trying to trust someone and give them time to earn it, than simply doing the task ourselves.  How much time do we give someone to prove themselves?  Do we do it at the cost of the rest of the group’s evaluation?  Unfortunately, this group member totally lost everyone’s trust in the first week!  Right away we’re all on an uneven foot.  How do we proceed but to accommodate for her lack of reliability by doing more work ourselves?  How do we make it fair for us without risking our own grade?

Can one have equality without trust?

the comfort of strangers

Are we more the same than different?  A small experiment shed a little light on this subject.

So in the past week I’ve made a conscious effort to talk to people.  Not like, every person I see I have some deep philosophical conversation with them, but just taking the initiative to greet and interact with people with whom I have the opportunity.  What did I discover?  We all share a lot of the same concerns and thoughts about ourselves and one another.

My first opportunity came in an elevator.  It was only me and one another girl so I asked how she was doing.  We ended up having a great conversation, sharing our school majors (hers was health science and art, but she is also learning French) and giving a good start to each other’s day.  What an inspiration she was to me to have such versatile interests and not be afraid to explore them.

The second interaction came at Walmart as I waited in two lines.  In the first line I waited as the customer service person measured out a couple of yards of fabric for me.  We talked about the weather and the fact that it was so cold she canceled her hair appointment because of being advised by the doctor not to go out due to a risk of bronchitis.  I mentioned that a family member of mine suffers with the same thing.  The conversation closed as we both wished health to each other and our families.

At the checkout counter I felt like I was taking part in a comedy routine as one cashier was trying to leave to use the bathroom but kept getting stopped and coming back.  Finally, she told the cashier she was going to stay by her side because she spotted two suspect women who looked as if they were going to walk off with some patio furniture.  Not sure how that was going to happen, but they were on the case.  The customer in front of me got so caught up in this drama that she walked off without her purchases and we had a good laugh about possibly being called in as witnesses.

As I left, I met up with the same gal in the parking lot who appeared to have been delayed by a solicitor.  She seemed to want to get away so I asked her if she was alright and she explained that someone was trying to sell her something.  A young lady had gas cards but no vehicle and was trying to sell them.  The lady shared, “With my luck there’d be some scam.  I can’t tell when others are lying.  My daughter asked me to lie to her daughter’s school and say that she was sick when they really were in Mexico.  I was sweating so hard I thought I would die.  I told her after that I would never lie for her again!”

Finally I once again had a tete-a-tete  in the elevator where I learned a gal was having a great day because her last class was cancelled and she was getting to go home early.  That made me remember those moments when you feel that you’ve been given the gift of more time in your day.  Off I went to pick up some dinner and as I waited at the counter I asked another customer if they were getting lunch or dinner.  They said a late lunch.  She reciprocated the question and we had a nice little chat about the timing of meals in our busy schedules and the restaurant’s cuisine.  So instead of staring at our phones in silence, we had a pleasant conversation which filled the waiting time.

So what is my point in sharing all of these interactions?  It’s to say that we have so many windows of opportunity to connect with people who could brighten our day, inspire us, comfort us, encourage us or simply discover something new.  It also made me feel that though in all of these moments I was “alone,” that I really wasn’t alone.  That we were all on a similar journey and can help each other along even if with a smile and hello.  And who knows, perhaps along the way we’ll all find that we’re no longer strangers.

the unsocial network?

What does it mean to be part of a social network?  I am still exploring this concept.

After having joined facebook many years ago after it shortly came out, I had a bad incident where someone posted some very inappropriate and offensive things.  This left a very bad taste in my mouth and caused me to avoid rejoining for many years.  As the trend in social networking has grown, I became more and more aware of the need to utilize this tool.  Many people with whom I needed to contact used facebook as their primary form of communication.  When did this happen?  I totally missed this social phenomenon which replaced mail, telephone and email.

Now, feeling very outdated with my lengthy emails and phone messages, I found myself surrounded with isolation.  So much was happening and the only way I could be part of it was through this new social network.  Once I decided to start this blog, I knew I would need to utilize this primary form of communication.  It’s difficult for me to keep up with everyone’s posts, but I want to find a way to “plug” into other people’s lives which is meaningful.

But what does it mean in our current society to be “social?”  For me, being social means not only having fun, but connecting with someone on a deeper level.  So is it possible to create and maintain meaningful relationships using social networks?  I’ve always been a one on one, in person kind of relationship builder.  Having my comments “out there” for everyone to see makes me a bit nervous because after all, there is no tone behind the words and I for one know the danger of misinterpreting someone’s written expression.  I think social networks have the capacity to be beautiful photo albums, depicting and sharing one’s life with others.  But because the book is open to so many people can anyone really be known and feel known?

Because so many people have converted to facebook as a primary networking tool, I want to take advantage of the opportunity by using it to encourage and cheer people on in their lives.  The blog is my way of sharing both my life’s passion and perspective, inviting others to respond and share theirs.  But I think in order to maximize the potential of this technology and use it for the benefit of society – not only can we connect with more people – we can use it with intentionality to grow closer one another and truly share this journey of life.