Let’s get busy!

Make any New Year’s resolutions?  I did.  Actually, I’ve been thinking of it for quite some time and began it with my last post made in December.  “What was it?” you may ask.  It was to get busy!

The book and motion picture “Wild,” has been getting a lot of attention.   Society’s response to a strong female and her journey through grief to self-discovery has been encouraging.  It’s also been an awakening to the media for the need for more pivotal female roles on the page, stage and screen.  During a radio interview with Reese Witherspoon, the star and producer of the film adaptation of Cheryl Strayed’s book, “Wild: From Lost to Found on the Pacific Crest Trail,” Witherspoon referenced the lack of complex roles for women and responded by not only saying, but putting into action her comment:  “…nobody is doing this work.  I might as well get busy and do it myself.”

Obviously we don’t all have the resources like Witherspoon, but we do share the same perspective.  As a result, instead of expecting others to address the needs which have already been identified, I have decided to join Witherspoon and “get busy.”  What does this mean?  I believe that in each of our lives in our own way, we can make a difference to bring about change for gender equality.  From standing up for ourselves or others when confronted by sexism or working to make more opportunities for women available, we all contribute to society’s transformation.  No action is too small, so we must not minimize our efforts.  It’s changing our very way of thinking as a community; embracing our egalitarianism.

Awareness, education and recognition are vital.  However, without following that up with action in our daily lives, our society tends to find contentment with labeling gender discrimination as simply one of many issues which need addressing.  “Issues” tend not to have the same concern as crisis.  Why is it not a national crisis that women do not receive equal pay for equal work?  Why is it not a global crisis that women are surrounded and trapped by violence, rape and sex trafficking?  When perceived as an issue, it weakens the urgency of our condition.   This is nothing less than a crisis which demands action.

So let’s get busy!

Read interview with Reese Witherspoon

 

Support women artists by buying the book “Wild:  From Lost to Found on the Pacific Crest Trail” by Cheryl Strayed and see the movie.

the right to be you

I have been on a hiatus of sorts.  It’s not because I haven’t had any thoughts, concerns or opinions about life.  I guess I just found myself coming up against the same roadblocks, questioning the source, perhaps a common one, of these consistent struggles.

Just the other night I was out with a beautiful artist.  I have seen her work many times and she is a kind-hearted, loving individual.  Yet I hear her say the very words which plague my own heart: can I do it?  Do I have any talent?  Am I beautiful?  I know the answer to all of these questions, but when we are alone with ourselves, we tend to create a comparison which always leaves us feeling less than.  Our society, especially American society, thrives on doing and results.  The expectations placed on us, especially women, make it almost impossible to find satisfaction and pride in oneself.

Society tells women that they must achieve an idyllic beauty which requires youth.  Obviously, this is impossible as we all age, but because so many others strive to reach this imposed rule, we do everything in our power to fulfill it.  Countless, beautiful, brilliant women of all ages with whom I’ve had the pleasure to know, have shared their fear of aging and remaining physically attractive.  The constant fear of gaining even a few pounds or showing signs of a wrinkle plagues their existence.

Then there’s the expectation that women should have it all; if they don’t have both a successful career and children, they disappoint someone.  Many women work hard to obtain an education and use it to compete in an unequal marketplace which not only expects them to give as much, but for less compensation.  Simultaneously, society also places pressure on women to have children whilst making it virtually impossible to maintain the same level of job performance.  Meanwhile, if they do give attention to their work, they may feel guilt or anxiety over their parental role.

As a result, society continues to place women in positions which inevitably cause them to seemingly fall short of its expectations in one area or another.  Personally, I’m tired of never feeling like enough.  No matter how much personal fulfillment I may find apart from society, as soon as I step off my island, I am reminded of my failures.

So how do we break this pattern?  How do we defy these expectations and create ones which build us up rather than tear each other down?  It is hard to walk this path against the grain alone and I don’t believe we are meant to go it alone.  Life is short.  Can we come together and simply claim the right to be ourselves?

What is the truth?

Does truth exist?

We think of truth as this unshakable, immovable force which carries us through life.  It is a never ending reference point to which we return so that we don’t get lost.  But what if that same truth shuts out all other voices, including your own?  What if that truth does not allow us to accept or love one another?

In an unsteady world where nothing is certain, truth can be a life saver.  For most of my life I thought I knew the truth.  I’ve been obsessed with understanding, analyzing, searching and securing the truth.  But when my world was turned upside down these past two years with my husband’s accident, the death of my dog and the cancer diagnosis for my best friend, my foundation of truth was rocked and crumbled to pieces.  Since then I’ve just tried to survive; no time to process anything.  Now that I have a little more time to breathe, I’ve discovered that I’ve given up looking for the truth and I am just trying to find some kind of peace while still giving myself the right to be angry.

This past week I met with two wise and beautiful women who have themselves been through many truth questioning events.  They shared their perspective on the truth and simply said, “It’s all relative.”  They bombarded me with questions:  How do we grow without change?  And how does change come about if our truth is unchangeable?  It is when we challenge our truth that we find growth and a new truth about ourselves and the world.  When we let go is when we truly uncover the truth.

There it was again, my arch nemesis:  letting go.  How can you let go when all you want is something to hold onto in the midst of drifting and being tossed around in a chaotic storm?  This is the question another friend of mine posed to me.  She too has gone and is going through life-changing struggles and just wants something solid in her life.  As I heard her speak the words of my heart, I found myself asking her if it is possible that something beautiful can come from a shattered truth?  A rebirth.  A discovery.  Perhaps even liberty.

Patience.  My other arch nemesis keeps rearing its ugly head in the form of these two beautifully wise women who encouraged me to see patience from another perspective; one that presents itself in the form of a gift instead of a curse.  To give to myself patience as I take this journey is priceless and the key to unlocking the truth.  Patience to simply be myself and in some sense, cut myself a break.  In this way, I am not clouded by my own agenda, but more open to what the universe is trying to tell me.  And in the still, quiet, patience, I may be able to let go and listen.  Listen to my heart, to others, to the world and hear the truth.  For now.

Growing together

It’s all about perspective.

One day I’m worrying about how everything is going to work out, and the next, it all seems to be falling into place.  It’s been a pretty busy couple of weeks, well, really semester, but I’m finding that because I’m finally able to focus on the big picture, the details aren’t stressing me out as much.  I’m only one person and I can only do what I can do.  This seems like an easy lesson, but it’s been a long time lesson for me to learn.  And I probably will have to learn it again and again.

But I am encouraged.  I feel that I am being launched from my education with my dreams still intact and the energy to reach for them.  With all of the challenges that have been presented to my husband and I in these past couple of years, I was certain how things were going to turn out.  I’m very thankful that there was a light at the end of the tunnel and so many wonderful people came alongside to help me get there.

People who usually don’t stand in the limelight but who are going about their everyday lives, just being themselves and shining their light ahead for others to follow.  People who silently take your hand and let you cry when you need to.  People who I see as the real stars in life.  I can only hope that I can be that to others throughout all of my journeys.  Because that is what it is really all about; taking each step together.

I hope we can keep growing together…

whatever power

Whatever.  We hear that one word thrown around quite a bit these days in a careless manner.  But what if it could be used as something to empower us?

Recently I’ve been using that word quite a bit in order to deal with stress.  When I’m overwhelmed and don’t know how I’m going to get to the next week or even the next day, I’ll throw my hands up and say, “whatever.”  However, the meaning of this word changed for me during a feedback session at one of my theatre classes.  One of the characters was extremely powerful and displayed it with their forceful interaction with the other characters.  I was advised to show that character’s power by having them behave in a more aloof and unaffected way;  the logic behind it was explained like this- because the character was powerful, they could have a “whatever” attitude towards things.

This seemed contradictory to me.  “People who say ‘whatever’ don’t care.  Where’s the power in that?” I thought.  But that’s how “whatever power” was born.  My husband coined the phrase, so I give him all the credit.  Suddenly, the whole meaning of “whatever” was transformed, becoming a word of power.  No longer did “whatever” mean whatever; instead it meant that I have the power to choose to let go of something and not let it worry or drag me down.

I shared this recently with a friend who had a lot of pressure at work.  She struggled with delegating things because she cared so much about the results.  However, her health was suffering for it and she started adopting the “whatever” attitude in order to deal with the necessary changes she had to make in order to relieve some of her stress.  Unfortunately, she still felt badly because the “whatever” attitude made it seem as if she didn’t care which couldn’t be further from the truth.  Once she realized that using “whatever” could be viewed as powerful, she felt so much more empowered about her choices and no longer felt guilty.

For me, this “whatever power” has enabled me to let go of things I couldn’t release in the past, especially those things I don’t have power to change.  Ironically, as I just shared with a friend today, it’s made me feel more in control over things I can’t control.  The power comes with acknowledging that though I care, I am intentionally choosing to let go, thereby liberating myself of the responsibility and any regrets that might come based on how things turn out after I’ve let go.

Does that sound like power to you?

 

watching life grow

Life is a beautiful thing.  Its power catches you off guard as it did me today.

Twelve years ago I held a sweet little baby boy in my arms –the first child to make me an aunt.  A special connection was forged because of that.  Over time, I watched him grow into a kind, loving and thoughtful child.  Today we were reunited at a family gathering after a four year separation by time and distance.

When he came to give me a hug I was shocked.  The little boy I remember had grown into a barely recognizable youth.  I was so overwhelmed to see the transformation of this beautiful child that I burst into tears.  Here’s this grown up young man who I always recalled as that sweet little boy sharing with me about his love for reading and science.

Time goes by so quickly.  It can be easy to pass life by without stopping to notices the little changes.  But when you see something only periodically, you can’t help but notice.  For me, it really made me think about all the things that I don’t take the time to appreciate; the growth and life that happens every day in and all around me.  From the orchid that just started blooming on our dining room table to the young adults we remember as children.

But I also think the key to appreciating something is in letting it go.  We get to know things or people in a certain way and sometimes want to continue to preserve the memory of what or who they were during a certain season of life.  However, by holding onto the idea of someone or something as we remember it, we do not allow it to change and grow.  And we miss out on the beauty of life.

Letting go is painful; but the beauty of life is in watching it grow.

a lifetime of stories

Letting go is hard to do, as we all know.  But today I found how liberating it can be!

It’s probably pretty obvious that I love writing.  I’ve been working on a story for the past year.  The characters have journeyed with me through some very difficult times.  They’ve been a comfort and an outlet for my painful past, my confusing present and searching future.  With each line I’ve watched them grow, heal and deal with things that I haven’t been able to yet.

Today I shared my work.  The suggestion: complete rewrite.  At first my heart stopped.  Then I realized that these characters will always be with me.  They are a part of me and they have stories to tell which can be shared in the future.  I don’t need to tell all my stories right now.  They have time.  I have time.  My story doesn’t end here.  It’s always growing, always changing.  I’ll never arrive at “The End,” and as a writer, I never want to.

I was able to let go.  I was finally able to let go.  It didn’t matter that it wasn’t a perfect piece of work.  It doesn’t matter that I have to start all over again.  I can set it free.  I told a story and now I can set it free.  And now I’m free.  I can move on.  If I want to come back to the story and rediscover it, I can do that, but it no longer has to hold me back and I don’t have to force it to be something it’s not.

It felt good to let go.  And I’m learning to trust myself, that I will have more stories to find and to tell.  We all have a story to live and to tell and it doesn’t start and end today because we’re all stories at work…

do over

What would life be like if you could do it over again?  Would you want to do it over again or was once enough?

I think we can all agree there are things in our lives that we would like to alter and wonder what things would be like now if we would have said yes instead of no, no instead of yes, or had simply blazed our own path.  What’s the first thing that comes to your mind when you imagine changing the past?  So many memories flood my mind – ones full of pain, fear, despair and emptiness.  But part of me has come to accept all of those experiences as what has shaped me today and made me stronger.

It is because of those things that I can’t “do over” that I have learned what is important.  To value life – this day- because it may be the last and you can’t turn back time.  I’d love to save my husband from his accident; save my friend from cancer; save my dog from cancer; save myself from my depression.  However, looking to the past can be dangerous and “what if’s” deadly because they steal the present and poison the future.

Instead, I’d like to make an intentional effort to live each day like it is the one day I do get to do over and over again – like in the movie Groundhog Day.  Make it the best day that it can be the first time around.  Of course it won’t be perfect but that’s not what the human experience is all about, is it?  And I know life certainly hands us many surprises along the way which throw us off the path of perfection.  So why not enjoy the ride?

We may not have the power to do it over again, but we do have the choice to live and love today.  And that’s worth doing over and over and over…

just be

I’ll be alright.

It’s the first time I’ve said it in a while.  I don’t know if I totally grasp what that means, but I know that somewhere deep inside me I do believe it.  Perhaps it was the beauty of the day as I opened the windows and felt the cool breeze and smelled the fragrance of the flowers outside.  Perhaps it was the blue sky and thinking about how I used to walk around our neighborhood and feel a part of something greater than myself; breathing in the grandeur of the huge mountains that lay just outside my doorstep.  I took a step today.  A step beyond myself.  And I feel hope.

Hope for what?  Healing?  A future?  That despite feeling so lost, hurt and confused by the twists and turns of this life that it is worth it.  That the love and beauty of this world can fill you with purpose and simple joy which has nothing to do with one’s own accomplishments or contributions.  Something is free in this world-just being.

So many times I’ve asked myself, “what am I doing?”  Instead of asking, “what am I being?”   We get so caught up in the doing that we miss the being.  Not that doing is bad, but sometimes it distracts us and we fail to see all that we have just by being.  We look for something more; something to give justification to our existence so that we feel worthy enough to “be.”  But here we are.  Whether we do or not, we still be.

I want to fully be before I fully do anything.  And perhaps that means doing less and remembering to take more time to close my eyes and breathe in that fragrant air just outside my door.  Appreciating all of the love that surrounds me every day, knowing that that love goes with me beyond my door.

Learning to be grateful to just be.

 

coming home

Today our beloved dog Sam came home.

We went to the vet’s to pick up her remains and had a therapeutic talk with the veterinarian who helped her through these last years.  He affirmed our decision and reminded us of the additional six months of happy, healthy life we gave her after the amputation.  We released her from the pain of the cancer’s return, and that was a gift.

It’s strange the things that speak comfort to us in our grief.  I had been so focused on her death and the fact that her life was cut short because I still have so much life yet to life that I didn’t recognize the good, long life she had.  The vet told us that in human years, she was a 65-70 year old person who lived a quality life.  This really put things in a different perspective for me and forced me to consider that the time she had was both qualitative and quantitative.

Somehow the house seems more complete now that she is here again with us.  Her remains are in a beautiful wooden box with a gold lock and key and a wooden heart in front of it with her name.  She always possessed the keys to our heart and now we have the key to hers.  Now we can watch over and take care of her in our own way.  We hope to release her ashes into the ocean, but are not ready yet to let her go.

Closure is usually a healthy thing, but in this case it is very painful.  There is something so final in receiving her ashes.  As I said to my husband, knowing that her spirit is still with us does not yet console the loss of her physical body because our relationship was so physical – petting, hugging, playing, walking, feeding – all those things every day for over ten years.  She had the strongest, most beautiful and loving spirit of any creature I’ve known and I know that in time, I will feel that she truly will come home in my heart.