time for patience

Why is it so difficult to have patience?  Or is it just me?

I’m a strange one.  This is no new news I’m sure to you all.  But I guess I’m finding that I’m one of those people who likes to make plans and know what’s coming while also enjoying the mystery of the unknown adventures that lie ahead.  I don’t need security enough that I want to live in the same place all of my life, but I also need a safe, stable place to return to in order to re-energize and renew.   It’s a balancing act I suppose.  Part of me wants the extreme while the other detests it.  And then there’s the practical side of me that just says to be responsible.

So I’m in a transitioning period of my life.  In my head I know this should be a beautiful time; it is a gift really.  A time of anticipation, reflection, rejuvenation; but it can also be one of anxiety, doubt and grief.  If I allow myself to believe that the best or even the worst is behind me I surely deceive myself.  I merely need to be present.  Use the time not to pressure myself into doing for the sake of doing.  To give myself time and make wise investments and choices; understanding that things that are worth doing take time.

It sounds as though I’m going in circles in my head, and I probably am, but I think it’s that I’m just not accustom to doing things I actually like to do.  I’ve always equated work with something I don’t want to do but need to do for someone else.  Now I’ve been given an opportunity, a time to do with what I please.  I’m still working towards something, but because it’s what I am passionate about, it doesn’t feel like work.  Hence the guilt.  Strange to be wired in such a way, but it’s what I’ve known for most of my life.  Perhaps what most of us have known.

So how do we make a society in which more people can work without feeling like they’re working?  How can we make jobs that fit people instead of people fitting a job?  Isn’t that the kind of society we want to live in?   Perhaps there would be initial compromises which would cause some financial loss, but I would think that in the long run it would be an investment worth making; not only in humanity but for capitalism if that’s what we also want to preserve.  But how do we get there?  Maybe we make some plans while also leaving things open ended and flexible for change; forcing us to become better problem solvers and more compassionate human beings.  Maybe we need more patience.  With others.  And with ourselves.

joy ride

How do you live your life?  Do you allow your goals to determine your efforts or your efforts to lead you to a goal?

I’ve always been a planner.  I like to have everything organized and all the details in place.  There’s something satisfying about finding freedom in structure as well as anticipating something certain.  Most would say this makes me a bit of a control freak which is probably partly true, but the rest is probably a combination of a being overly responsible and needing stability.

However, I’ve recently discovered that when I set a plan, it tends to make me feel boxed in.  Instead of feeling secure and comfortable, I see the jail bars surrounding me.  So my goals in a sense close doors to other possibilities; ones that may be even better than my original plans.  Setting goals is healthy, but sometimes if we don’t allow anything to veer us off our course we miss out on the beautiful detours of life that can cause one to discover a new and perhaps more exciting path.

So what I’m learning about myself is that I would rather live my life allowing my efforts to lead me to a goal.  Perhaps that sounds a bit like letting life happen to me and not being proactive, but from my perspective it is quite the opposite.  I find that when I love making the effort, the goals or end point of those efforts become less important; the goal is more like a sign in the distance that is just out of sight that you can’t read what it says, but you know you’re headed in the right direction.  Then as you travel you’re not so focus on taking one course to get to your destination; instead the road becomes wider and full of amazing side streets full of possibilities along the way.

There’s something scary and liberating about not knowing the next step in the journey.  For me, I have found that it enables me to take more joy in the ride.

is time on our side?

Time is on our side.  Or is it?

Today we signed on for another year in our condominium.  That means it’s been one year since we first started leasing it.  It is hard for me to believe that that much time has passed by, though a lot has happened since then.  I can remember visiting this place and thinking that it was way out of our league; too nice for the likes of us.  We first viewed it at night so it was hard to get a really good look at it; I knew enough to hesitate, but my husband knew enough to say yes.  He was obviously right, because here we are, living in the light of its beauty.

The blink of an eye and a year’s disappeared.  There is so much I still want to do and feel like time is slipping through my fingers.  I want to grab it and stretch it out like one of those slimy balls of gue you used to get from the old time quarter vending machines.  Back then time seemed to move so slowly.  The light of day lasted so much longer when you were outside playing away.  Now it gets darker sooner; the light keeps running away from me as I chase after it.

Maybe it is because I measure time too much now.  I’m always dividing and counting it; allotting it for endless tasks.  As a kid I told time by when I ate meals and by my mother’s voice calling me to come inside and get ready for bed.  Hours were filled with imagination and adventure; not focus and responsibility.  So how do we get that time back?  Do we ever experience time the way we used to?

I still have dreams.  I still have imagination.  And there are times when I get lost in my own world and time seems to stand still or fade away into the background.  How can I fill my life with more times like that than the things that drain time?  How can I keep the years from flying by like my parents and grandparents always warned me they would?

Perhaps I need to start believing that time is on my side.  And then maybe it will be.

watching life grow

Life is a beautiful thing.  Its power catches you off guard as it did me today.

Twelve years ago I held a sweet little baby boy in my arms –the first child to make me an aunt.  A special connection was forged because of that.  Over time, I watched him grow into a kind, loving and thoughtful child.  Today we were reunited at a family gathering after a four year separation by time and distance.

When he came to give me a hug I was shocked.  The little boy I remember had grown into a barely recognizable youth.  I was so overwhelmed to see the transformation of this beautiful child that I burst into tears.  Here’s this grown up young man who I always recalled as that sweet little boy sharing with me about his love for reading and science.

Time goes by so quickly.  It can be easy to pass life by without stopping to notices the little changes.  But when you see something only periodically, you can’t help but notice.  For me, it really made me think about all the things that I don’t take the time to appreciate; the growth and life that happens every day in and all around me.  From the orchid that just started blooming on our dining room table to the young adults we remember as children.

But I also think the key to appreciating something is in letting it go.  We get to know things or people in a certain way and sometimes want to continue to preserve the memory of what or who they were during a certain season of life.  However, by holding onto the idea of someone or something as we remember it, we do not allow it to change and grow.  And we miss out on the beauty of life.

Letting go is painful; but the beauty of life is in watching it grow.

do over

What would life be like if you could do it over again?  Would you want to do it over again or was once enough?

I think we can all agree there are things in our lives that we would like to alter and wonder what things would be like now if we would have said yes instead of no, no instead of yes, or had simply blazed our own path.  What’s the first thing that comes to your mind when you imagine changing the past?  So many memories flood my mind – ones full of pain, fear, despair and emptiness.  But part of me has come to accept all of those experiences as what has shaped me today and made me stronger.

It is because of those things that I can’t “do over” that I have learned what is important.  To value life – this day- because it may be the last and you can’t turn back time.  I’d love to save my husband from his accident; save my friend from cancer; save my dog from cancer; save myself from my depression.  However, looking to the past can be dangerous and “what if’s” deadly because they steal the present and poison the future.

Instead, I’d like to make an intentional effort to live each day like it is the one day I do get to do over and over again – like in the movie Groundhog Day.  Make it the best day that it can be the first time around.  Of course it won’t be perfect but that’s not what the human experience is all about, is it?  And I know life certainly hands us many surprises along the way which throw us off the path of perfection.  So why not enjoy the ride?

We may not have the power to do it over again, but we do have the choice to live and love today.  And that’s worth doing over and over and over…

kicking butt

Ever feel like life is just kicking your butt?

I hesitated to write a blog today because frankly, I don’t feel like I can stay very positive.  After all, this is a blog meant to empower women and I don’t believe I have anything to give right now.  My heart feels hardened and cynical, yet angry and about to burst.  Today I got the news that a dear friend of mine is very sick.

The initial shock of it all is wearing off and a deep sense of rage is replacing it.  Perhaps this is better because I refuse to accept defeat.  I’m done wallowing and am ready to wage war on this crazy thing called life and all that it brings.  How?  Still haven’t figured that out yet, but first I am going to champion my friend to health.  Second, I’m not going to sweat the small stuff.  And third, I want to make the most of every moment.

This past year has been the toughest of my life and the one lesson that keeps repeating itself is that time is precious.  Who knows if this all has a purpose or is working to prepare me for something in the future.  Whatever it is, I’m realizing that it doesn’t really matter because what matters is right now.  This moment.  And what am I doing?  Writing.  Hopefully encouraging someone out there who feels as I do.  Who needs hope.

So I’m going to get off of my bruised butt, remove the weight of the world off my shoulders and start kicking life back!

the cost of time

Where does the time go?

I had all these things planned today that I didn’t even get close to doing.  Good intentions like planning some future meals, making dinner, putting away laundry, and studying for an exam next week.   All down the drain!  “What did you do all day?” asked my husband.  School work which I thought would only take me the morning to accomplish.

So what makes it so difficult to budget time?  Has my generation just been taught to do the job and get it done whatever time it takes?  Is it the perfectionist in me that refuses to settle for anything less resulting in an in ordinate amount of time dedicated to everything I do?  Perhaps it’s my obsession with detail and paranoia which make me check things a hundred times?

Many people would say these are good qualities.  It results in good work.  But at what cost?  Tonight it wasn’t that big of a deal; the meal planning will be there tomorrow, we picked up some dinner while we were out, the clothes are clean which is what is most important and I still have time to study later.  In the future however, as I look back on my life, will I regret investing so much time into doing things well?  Will I realize then that I much rather had spent my time watching the sunset, calling a friend or simply appreciating being alive?

How do we pursue our dreams without letting them take over our whole lives?  How do we find the balance and enjoy all that life has to offer?  Or are we as humans destined to focus on only a few things all of our lives until we “retire” and then truly begin to live the life we always wanted?  How can I live that now?  The time goes by ever so quickly, I don’t want to waste another second!