the resolution of no resolutions

Can we give ourselves a second chance?  We seem to extend this grace to others, but when it comes to letting ourselves off the hook, it tends to be more of a battle.  As we say goodbye to 2013, can we usher in the New Year with permission to make mistakes and fail?

I’ve always struggled with being patient with myself.  If perfection or at least adequate results are not achieved within the first few tries, I will either give up or get so upset that I lose all pleasure in the process of trying.  As a result, I have lost a great deal of joy in my life as most of life is about the journey and not arriving at the destination.

Several years back I bought a sewing machine.  Growing up I watched my grandmother on her antique manual pedal singer sewing machine and dreamed of the day when I could have one of my very own and make/mend my clothes like she did.  Time passed and the day finally arrived when I got a machine.  What happened?  It sat in our second bedroom, intimidating me for months.  I didn’t even want to use for fear of failing.  Failing at what?  Repairing a hole in something?  How do you do that?

This kind of behavior extended into other areas in my life, including relationships.  Many times I wouldn’t even try to reach out to people because I assumed they would hurt or reject me.  I also projected my feelings on others, especially my husband, and expected perfection from him.  It took a long time of digging into my heart and mind before I was able to locate and eliminate the wrong thinking that had caused this perfectionism.  I had to accept me – not for what I could or could not do or even expected myself to do; but just me.  That includes all of my flaws and failures and crazy annoying idioms – because they are a part of me too and what makes me who I am.  This of course continues to be a process because as it took years for me to adopt an unhealthy way of thinking, it also takes time to undo and replace that perspective with healthy and realistic thoughts.

So instead of making all kinds of resolutions for 2014, I hope to take another small step away from perfection and towards being and discovering more of myself!

epitome of masculinity

Bond, James Bond.  The epitome of masculinity.  Men love him.  Women love him.  So why doesn’t this translate into reality?

Yesterday my husband and I watched a James Bond film.  Today we had a discussion about the representation of masculinity in the media and entertainment.  Men are taught and trained to how to be a man’s man.  James Bond sets a prime example.  As a result, men learn to be cold-hearted, emotionless, calculating creatures who view women as objects of pleasure.  And we wonder why there is gender confusion and conflict!?

On the opposite end of the spectrum, society through the years, has exaggerated what it means to be feminine.  As a result, society views women as weak, soft, illogical; out of control emotional creatures who need men to serve as sources of security and protection.  Why do we persist on distancing ourselves from one another by turning up the volume on our differences?

Yes, we are different.  But we are also more the same.  Couldn’t we stop obsessing and measuring masculinity and femininity and simply focus on being better, well-balanced human beings?  I mean, isn’t that enough of a challenge?  Until we end our promotion of the ideal genders we’ll never be free to just be.  It’s up to us to boycott the images and ideas bombarding us and future generations with false and unrealistic expectations.

The irony is that in many stories the men who are emotional and sensitive end up dying as a result or lose out in one way or another.  Meanwhile, the tough and cool James Bond lives on to see another day.  But what kind of existence is that?  Sure he lives on to fight another fight, but if one feels nothing, are they really experiencing life?  Perhaps instead of defining gender by quantity we need to look at the quality of life and determine what really matters.

In the end, what will mean the most?  Living the best life as a human being or fulfilling society’s definition of masculinity?

 

blind vision

Having a vision for one’s life is a good thing, right?  But what if we allow our vision to blind us to opportunities which can take us even further or in a new, exciting direction?

Six years ago I would never have envisioned myself going back to college and becoming a writer.  I always had a passion for encouraging women but never would have imagined myself creating this blog.  Opportunities came my way which opened my mind to a different vision for my life as wonderful women helped me to see beyond my horizons.  They taught me how to believe in myself and take a risk investing in my future.

It can be easy to get caught on one path with only one goal in mind.  Having goals is not a bad thing, but when we limit ourselves to only one possibility, we close ourselves off to discovering something we thought was beyond our reach.  Our life inevitably touches others, but if the path to our vision is not wide enough to include others, we shut out what could be vision that could impacts more than just ourselves.  A narrow vision can even prevent us from realizing that our goals have been reached, though perhaps not in the way we planned or imagined.  Sometimes we need to take off the glasses to see the big picture.

An amazing and dramatic example of a blinding vision is found at the link below.  I heard it this morning on Radiolab  (it’s the second story, but the first one is good too) and was blown away.  Flexibility is key in life – believe that anything is possible, even when it’s not exactly what you had in mind!  This story illustrates the powerful beauty of a vision and the heartbreak of a blind one.  What’s your vision?  Dream big and then let go for the ride!

http://www.wnyc.org/radio/#/ondemand/257194

heartbreaking words

How do we protect ourselves from being hurt by the words of others?  Is it possible to do so without changing who we are?

There seems to be that one person in your life who always knows how to push your buttons.  Many times they may not even realize they are doing it – thinking they are being encouraging or helpful.  But when they do, it triggers so much pain and baggage that it leaves you breathless.  This happened again to me just the other day.

I’m on the phone having a fine conversation, wishing someone a Merry Christmas and all was going well.  I thought, “Good!  I’ll survive this encounter unscathed – what a gift.”  But just as I said goodbye – WHAMMO!  Like an, “O, by the way, let me quick slap you in the face before I let you go.”  That’s what it felt like.  It totally took me off guard because throughout the conversation I started feeling more comfortable as to let my defenses down.  Before I knew it, they hung up and had the last word.

The next morning I felt all of the sick feelings associated with this comment rush back and drag me down like someone tied a weight around my ankles and threw me overboard.  “How do I keep this person’s words from hurting me?”  I asked my husband.   “You can never let your defenses down with them.  That’s the lesson,” he replied.  But how does one do that?  I feel like that means denying my true self.  At the same time, the reality is that the person wouldn’t be saying these things if they truly accepted me.

So how do we protect our hearts and remain true to ourselves?  When confrontation doesn’t or hasn’t worked in the past, do we cut these people out of our lives?  Or do we only allow them to get so close?  How can I share my heart and guard it at the same time?  Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can break the heart.

 

how do you see yourself?

You know how you feel like you never change?  You look in the mirror and see the same person; perhaps plus or minus a few pounds or a different hair color, but no real difference?  Yet in your heart, everything has changed and you are different.

Today as I went shopping for some clothes and shoes, I found that all of my choices were different.  Why?  Because I see myself differently, I’ve changed.  Clothes I may have chosen which clung to certain body parts now look better hidden.  Colors that seemed to bring life and youth now appear juvenile and unsophisticated.  Appearance is wearing thin in comparison to comfort and support.

Choices I would have made even a year ago would not have been the same.  Do I wish I could go back?  Strangely, no.  I think it is when we do not change that we get stagnant and deny our true selves.  Time and experience inevitably changes us.  We move into a new season of our lives, with a new perspective which reflects how we present ourselves physically both in dress and behavior.  What we believe about our selves changes who we are.

So how many identities does one have in the course of a lifetime?  We are ever morphing into a new being because of our experiences, information, inflictions, joys, circumstances, choices and beliefs.  What if we have the power to re-imagine ourselves?  To see the very best of ourselves throughout every season of our journey?  What would we look like then?

racism in disguise

Are good intentions enough when it comes to racism?

Yesterday evening to wind down Christmas Day, I watched a classic movie called “Holiday Inn.”  I believe it is the only movie in which Fred Astaire and Bing Crosby starred together.  This is a dynamic combination which is why I bought the movie.  However, I was shocked to find a “black face” scene in it.  Bing himself put on black face which during 1942 when the film was made was not uncommon.  The context of it seemed harmless enough because it was to celebrate Abraham Lincoln’s birth and how he freed the slaves.  But even within this context, is it justified?

Here is an innocent movie whose plot has absolutely nothing to do with racial relations and yet there are clearly comments being made on the African American race.  Although this scene is the most outright with its racism, Bing’s character in the movie also has an African American cook who he calls Mammy.  In addition, when Bing’s character convinces his white female costar to perform their song in black face, her lines reflect a much deeper meaning than wanting to honor dear old Abe.  As Bing spreads the black make-up onto her face, the main female character says how she’s so disappointed to have to wear this because it will make her look ugly.

On top of that, there is a clear disrespect for women as Mammy herself is given the pivotal lines of the story which encourages Bing’s character to fight for his “woman.”  She explains to him that women don’t know what’s best for them until a man explains it to them in the right way.  What way is that?  And why have an African American woman share that information about women?

So do intentions matter?  You bet they do!  Is racism a thing of the past?  In one of my last classes before the end of the semester a fellow student made a racist comment.  They said it was in jest and I said that it didn’t matter.  They continued to protest as I told them how once they get out into the real world and get a job, if they make comments like that, they are going to find themselves with few friends and no job.  They finally conceded to admit their mistake.

We think we’ve come a long way and can use joking or words like “now don’t be offended” to cover up our prejudices, but in the end the intentions are still the same.  Racism, no matter how it’s presented is wrong.  Keep your eyes and ears out for it – it might be closer to home than you think!

living in the past, present and future

Happy Holidays!  A quiet day full of simple pleasures including a hike, a trip to the beach and well wishes from friends and family.

Remembering all that we’ve overcome this year and starting to dream about the possibilities for the year to come.  Realizing with each passing day how thankful I am for the life I share with my husband and dog.  Hoping that in the coming year with all of its victories and challenges that I will never forget all of the joy that I have experienced in my life.

With all that in mind, I hope you have as wonderful a holiday season and live in the past, present and future always!

the perfect Christmas?

What is Christmas supposed to look like?  This is a question I asked walking on the way home in the low seventy degree temperatures, returning from a movie with my husband.

Is Christmas only Christmas if we all celebrate it or keep it the same way?  And what does that include?  Snow, a tree, family, a feast and gifts?  Would it be Christmas without those things or have we been so trained that these are the ingredients necessary to create that perfect magical time of the year?

Unfortunately, Christmas can be a difficult time for many because they do not have these things.  Whether it be family members who have passed or are out of reach; or their income does not allow the luxury of gift buying; or they live in a climate where there is no snow.  Instead of focusing on what we do have, we focus on what we don’t and Christmas becomes a sad reminder of our lack of or loss of those things that are supposed to make this special day ideal.

It is easy to fall into this pattern – I myself fell into as I thought about not getting together with anyone on Christmas, not having any snow and not having a big meal planned for tomorrow.  But then I thought of all the wonderful things I do have:  a wonderful, healthy husband who last year at this time was having surgery to repair his arm that had been shattered in an accident.  I think of the beautiful home we now live in after moving this past summer.  I remember the privilege and joy it has been still having our dog with us longer than the time she was given when she was diagnosed with cancer this year.  I think of the friends and family who, though I can’t be with them, are safe and healthy.

So many things that are not necessarily what one may think of to make a perfect Christmas – but is what my ideal Christmas this year looks like.

taking a stand

This video puts gender equality in terms that everyone can understand.  Why do we continue to stand for this?

http://www.upworthy.com/this-is-the-easiest-way-to-explain-equal-pay-for-women-and-maybe-the-funniest?c=fea

ham or humanity?

Ever get a gift that you just didn’t understand?  Introducing, the holiday ham gift certificate.

I have heard of and have received many crazy Christmas gifts from the various jobs I have held, but the holiday ham takes the cake.  What topped it off, was that the previous year a highly expensive computer related gift was given which threw everyone off this year when they received a $50 gift certificate for a ham.

So not only does one have to get $50 worth of meat (not even of your choosing – and who eats $50 worth of ham?), but you also have to travel somewhere to go pick it up!  Then there is the other extremely obvious considerations which were not so obvious for those who proposed to give the gift – what if one does not eat meat, like meat or is Jewish?

It makes one question what giving is really all about.  Is it the thought that counts or that the gift shows thought?  Anyone can give someone a gift certificate for meat, but what about something that shows that they thought of you or the group/family specifically?  Many give gifts which they themselves would like to receive.  It takes work to get to know someone so I guess it’s easier to just get a generic ham certificate than invest the time and energy into relationship building.  But what is more valuable – the $50 ham certificate or the gift of yourself?

Perhaps it’s time we rethink what the season of giving is all about – ham or humanity?