Get out of your way!

Do you find that most of the time the thing that stops you from pursuing your dreams or reaching your fullest potential is yourself?

It’s that one voice inside that tends to drown out all the others with words like can’t, don’t , shouldn’t, wouldn’t.  It tells us not to do it.  What is “it”?  Well, think back…when was the last time you wanted to do something that would help you grow or take risk (that wasn’t about being practical and responsible) and you didn’t do it?  Whatever it was, that was the “it.”  It could have been signing up for a class, starting a business or simply choosing to spend time or money investing in your own personal growth.

There are so many things that I want to do and experience in my life that I fear I won’t have the time to do them all.  I certainly don’t need to put another obstacle in my way, but it continues to be a battle to drown out that inner voice of doubt and judgment.  However, I recognize that I am not alone.  The universal power of this conflict was once again brought to my attention while reading a book about women in the mid 1960’s.  The overriding struggle of the women in the book was with that voice, but for them the voice was also more externally pronounced.  In the time during and after the Cold War, many women felt trapped by prescribed social roles and didn’t pursue their dreams for fear of looking like a bad mother, doing something at the expense of their family’s well-being or seeming unfeminine.  Does this still sound familiar?

Despite the fact that that way of thinking was over fifty years ago, it was still only fifty years ago.  In other words, it takes time to change the thinking and/or perception of a society’s gender norms.  And that change begins and ends with us.  We must be the first to believe and say “no” to that voice from the past which tells us no!  It’s a constant battle to retrain the brain.  Why does it seem easier to tell others what they should think or do?  Most times we can see things more clearly from the outside of a situation which is why it is vital to have trusted friends who can encourage us to combat old patterns of thinking.

We can’t erase the past, but we can recognize and identify our mistakes and learn from them.  Sometimes it can be easier and safer to listen to that inner voice.  However, if we do, we not only deny  our true selves, but we perpetuate a false social philosophy which prevents us from obtaining the freedom which we all deserve.  If we are torn within ourselves, we will not be unified outwardly with others.

So let’s get out of our own way!

Let’s get busy!

Make any New Year’s resolutions?  I did.  Actually, I’ve been thinking of it for quite some time and began it with my last post made in December.  “What was it?” you may ask.  It was to get busy!

The book and motion picture “Wild,” has been getting a lot of attention.   Society’s response to a strong female and her journey through grief to self-discovery has been encouraging.  It’s also been an awakening to the media for the need for more pivotal female roles on the page, stage and screen.  During a radio interview with Reese Witherspoon, the star and producer of the film adaptation of Cheryl Strayed’s book, “Wild: From Lost to Found on the Pacific Crest Trail,” Witherspoon referenced the lack of complex roles for women and responded by not only saying, but putting into action her comment:  “…nobody is doing this work.  I might as well get busy and do it myself.”

Obviously we don’t all have the resources like Witherspoon, but we do share the same perspective.  As a result, instead of expecting others to address the needs which have already been identified, I have decided to join Witherspoon and “get busy.”  What does this mean?  I believe that in each of our lives in our own way, we can make a difference to bring about change for gender equality.  From standing up for ourselves or others when confronted by sexism or working to make more opportunities for women available, we all contribute to society’s transformation.  No action is too small, so we must not minimize our efforts.  It’s changing our very way of thinking as a community; embracing our egalitarianism.

Awareness, education and recognition are vital.  However, without following that up with action in our daily lives, our society tends to find contentment with labeling gender discrimination as simply one of many issues which need addressing.  “Issues” tend not to have the same concern as crisis.  Why is it not a national crisis that women do not receive equal pay for equal work?  Why is it not a global crisis that women are surrounded and trapped by violence, rape and sex trafficking?  When perceived as an issue, it weakens the urgency of our condition.   This is nothing less than a crisis which demands action.

So let’s get busy!

Read interview with Reese Witherspoon

 

Support women artists by buying the book “Wild:  From Lost to Found on the Pacific Crest Trail” by Cheryl Strayed and see the movie.

the right to be you

I have been on a hiatus of sorts.  It’s not because I haven’t had any thoughts, concerns or opinions about life.  I guess I just found myself coming up against the same roadblocks, questioning the source, perhaps a common one, of these consistent struggles.

Just the other night I was out with a beautiful artist.  I have seen her work many times and she is a kind-hearted, loving individual.  Yet I hear her say the very words which plague my own heart: can I do it?  Do I have any talent?  Am I beautiful?  I know the answer to all of these questions, but when we are alone with ourselves, we tend to create a comparison which always leaves us feeling less than.  Our society, especially American society, thrives on doing and results.  The expectations placed on us, especially women, make it almost impossible to find satisfaction and pride in oneself.

Society tells women that they must achieve an idyllic beauty which requires youth.  Obviously, this is impossible as we all age, but because so many others strive to reach this imposed rule, we do everything in our power to fulfill it.  Countless, beautiful, brilliant women of all ages with whom I’ve had the pleasure to know, have shared their fear of aging and remaining physically attractive.  The constant fear of gaining even a few pounds or showing signs of a wrinkle plagues their existence.

Then there’s the expectation that women should have it all; if they don’t have both a successful career and children, they disappoint someone.  Many women work hard to obtain an education and use it to compete in an unequal marketplace which not only expects them to give as much, but for less compensation.  Simultaneously, society also places pressure on women to have children whilst making it virtually impossible to maintain the same level of job performance.  Meanwhile, if they do give attention to their work, they may feel guilt or anxiety over their parental role.

As a result, society continues to place women in positions which inevitably cause them to seemingly fall short of its expectations in one area or another.  Personally, I’m tired of never feeling like enough.  No matter how much personal fulfillment I may find apart from society, as soon as I step off my island, I am reminded of my failures.

So how do we break this pattern?  How do we defy these expectations and create ones which build us up rather than tear each other down?  It is hard to walk this path against the grain alone and I don’t believe we are meant to go it alone.  Life is short.  Can we come together and simply claim the right to be ourselves?

time for patience

Why is it so difficult to have patience?  Or is it just me?

I’m a strange one.  This is no new news I’m sure to you all.  But I guess I’m finding that I’m one of those people who likes to make plans and know what’s coming while also enjoying the mystery of the unknown adventures that lie ahead.  I don’t need security enough that I want to live in the same place all of my life, but I also need a safe, stable place to return to in order to re-energize and renew.   It’s a balancing act I suppose.  Part of me wants the extreme while the other detests it.  And then there’s the practical side of me that just says to be responsible.

So I’m in a transitioning period of my life.  In my head I know this should be a beautiful time; it is a gift really.  A time of anticipation, reflection, rejuvenation; but it can also be one of anxiety, doubt and grief.  If I allow myself to believe that the best or even the worst is behind me I surely deceive myself.  I merely need to be present.  Use the time not to pressure myself into doing for the sake of doing.  To give myself time and make wise investments and choices; understanding that things that are worth doing take time.

It sounds as though I’m going in circles in my head, and I probably am, but I think it’s that I’m just not accustom to doing things I actually like to do.  I’ve always equated work with something I don’t want to do but need to do for someone else.  Now I’ve been given an opportunity, a time to do with what I please.  I’m still working towards something, but because it’s what I am passionate about, it doesn’t feel like work.  Hence the guilt.  Strange to be wired in such a way, but it’s what I’ve known for most of my life.  Perhaps what most of us have known.

So how do we make a society in which more people can work without feeling like they’re working?  How can we make jobs that fit people instead of people fitting a job?  Isn’t that the kind of society we want to live in?   Perhaps there would be initial compromises which would cause some financial loss, but I would think that in the long run it would be an investment worth making; not only in humanity but for capitalism if that’s what we also want to preserve.  But how do we get there?  Maybe we make some plans while also leaving things open ended and flexible for change; forcing us to become better problem solvers and more compassionate human beings.  Maybe we need more patience.  With others.  And with ourselves.

whatever power

Whatever.  We hear that one word thrown around quite a bit these days in a careless manner.  But what if it could be used as something to empower us?

Recently I’ve been using that word quite a bit in order to deal with stress.  When I’m overwhelmed and don’t know how I’m going to get to the next week or even the next day, I’ll throw my hands up and say, “whatever.”  However, the meaning of this word changed for me during a feedback session at one of my theatre classes.  One of the characters was extremely powerful and displayed it with their forceful interaction with the other characters.  I was advised to show that character’s power by having them behave in a more aloof and unaffected way;  the logic behind it was explained like this- because the character was powerful, they could have a “whatever” attitude towards things.

This seemed contradictory to me.  “People who say ‘whatever’ don’t care.  Where’s the power in that?” I thought.  But that’s how “whatever power” was born.  My husband coined the phrase, so I give him all the credit.  Suddenly, the whole meaning of “whatever” was transformed, becoming a word of power.  No longer did “whatever” mean whatever; instead it meant that I have the power to choose to let go of something and not let it worry or drag me down.

I shared this recently with a friend who had a lot of pressure at work.  She struggled with delegating things because she cared so much about the results.  However, her health was suffering for it and she started adopting the “whatever” attitude in order to deal with the necessary changes she had to make in order to relieve some of her stress.  Unfortunately, she still felt badly because the “whatever” attitude made it seem as if she didn’t care which couldn’t be further from the truth.  Once she realized that using “whatever” could be viewed as powerful, she felt so much more empowered about her choices and no longer felt guilty.

For me, this “whatever power” has enabled me to let go of things I couldn’t release in the past, especially those things I don’t have power to change.  Ironically, as I just shared with a friend today, it’s made me feel more in control over things I can’t control.  The power comes with acknowledging that though I care, I am intentionally choosing to let go, thereby liberating myself of the responsibility and any regrets that might come based on how things turn out after I’ve let go.

Does that sound like power to you?

 

It’s all relative

Family members are considered relatives.  But time is also termed as relative.

As our trip back to my home state comes to an end, I couldn’t help but think of relativity.  Several times throughout the trip we encountered things that we now view so differently.  Distances that felt long before race by; cities and directions that were confusing or intimidating now appear manageable; things we used to fear have become normal.  It’s like another lifetime and another world.  The whole experience was very surreal.

My aunt actually asked if we imagined ourselves doing and going the places we’ve been in the past several years.  I guess one can imagine to an extent the end goal, but until you experience it, you can’t begin to imagine the journey getting you there.  The more I explore, the more I can imagine.  The more I imagine, the bolder my explorations become.  And those explorations turn into new adventures, possibilities and opportunities I would never have fathomed.

Coming back to my roots gave me perspective on my life.  It helped me remember where I came from and where I am going.  It gave me strength and confidence to continue moving ahead, knowing that the next big step in my journey, though scary, will also become relative once I’ve experienced it.  Looking back can give one courage to embrace the present and move into the future because we remind ourselves of all the ground we’ve already covered and the exciting unknown territory still ahead of us, just waiting to be discovered.

As I graduate this year and start the next step in my life, I know that even in the face of the new and unfamiliar, in time, it will all become relative.

hiding the numbers

What does it really mean to grow older?

As I look at myself in the mirror, day after day, I know that changes are happening before my very eyes, but I don’t really see them.  Subtle things happen that I grow accustomed to but may be dramatic changes for others who do not see me daily (that’s what’s so great about having a partner – they don’t see things change either).  We don’t perceive ourselves to feel differently, so why should we look it?

However, over the years I’ve made conscious efforts to change my appearance.  As I’ve grown older I’ve changed my styles of dressing, hair and makeup.  Not drastic alterations, but subtle ones to compliment each aging step.  Yet internally I don’t feel any older, but I must if I’m making these changes-or has society just told me how to “age gracefully?”  Slowly covering more up over time and trying to hide years I’ve earned in my life; years full of hard work, victories and losses.  Why should I cover these things up?

We’re taught to hide as women.  Hide our age.  Hide our feelings.  Hide our desires.  But shouldn’t our insides reflect our outsides?  If we feel youthful, excited and passionate on the inside why should we cover that up with a frumpy frock and layers of makeup?  Society does not value age in women.  But until we accept and embrace it ourselves, society will never change.

As I return to the area of my childhood to see friends and family I haven’t seen in years, I know that I will have aged in their eyes.  But instead of trying to hide that or feel ashamed, I’m going to present myself proudly and celebrate that I am still here and I am still me and at every age, I am still valuable.

learning or regurgitating?

What does it mean to learn?

Education is vital to our society and way of life.  You can never have enough – though the current unemployment rate may challenge that notion.  However, does our formal education system truly prepare us for what lies ahead?  What about job training?  Are we really learning or just regurgitating?  Do we have an opportunity to sound our voice or do we hear the voices of others in our heads?

When I look back on my college education I try to think of what I have learned.  What has really molded and shaped me as both a person and an artist.  I don’t consider the vast amount of factual information I’ve attained (and don’t want to think about what I haven’t retained), though I am certain it too has had an impact, however unconscious, on me.  The times that I learned the most were those when I was empowered to experiment on my own.

These assignments, though graded, were not about success or failure.  They were solely about bettering myself; learning.  Taking concepts, ideas, approaches, information and the prior experiences of others and synthesizing them into my own ideology and applying that to something.  Through this process I gained insight into how my mind works, how I work with others, how to manage time and energy, and what I love or hate.  This is what I will take with me.  This is what will carry me through into my career and life.

One never stops learning in life, but consider, are you really learning?  I’ve come to discover that real growth comes with risk.  Why?  Because you don’t have all the answers.  You’re not just repeating the voice of another, you’re discovering your own and with that vocalization, dare to invite both positive and negative criticism.  But that is not the point.  The point of learning is that you find that voice and the ability to let it be heard.  There is only one you in this world.  And whatever the feedback, you have the power to receive or reject it because it is ultimately your voice and your experience.

So what are you learning?

stop doubting and start singing!

Confidence.  If only it were as easy as singing a song like Julie Andrews in the “Sound of Music” and feel like I can take on the world!  Is it that easy?

Throughout all of my life I’ve struggled with issues of self-confidence.  Can I really do this?  What will others think?  I’m not good enough for that.  This is not the kind of self-talk that encourages self-confidence.  But how many times do we find ourselves saying these very things which only tear down rather than build us up?

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve found that my experience has given me more confidence.  Not necessarily in myself or capabilities, but more so in the fact that I have knowledge and time on my side when it comes to making decisions without doubt.  However, there are still times when self-doubt bites me in the butt.  Like today.

Why is it that we can be strolling along in life, carefree and confident in ourselves one moment and then someone can say a few things which bring all of that into question?  My work ethic and integrity have always caused me to be overzealous and cautious, even perfectionistic.  As a result, I double and triple check my work for errors or oversights.  Time can go along with no mistakes, at least none that anyone catches, until one thing comes into question.  Then, like today, someone questions my work.  It’s not an attack or point the finger type of question, but simply a friendly, “Hey, can you explain this to me?” kind of inquiry.

When I’ve worked long and hard on something, these small, innocent questions shake my foundation and make me doubt myself.  I go back to my work and check over absolutely everything.  Not just perhaps the areas in the gray area by everything in between and outside the lines.  After all this time I don’t have the confidence to stand up for myself and work.  Instead I hesitate and flounder, trying to be certain that I didn’t misunderstand or mess up-eagerly taking responsibility for a blunder which may not even exist.

Times like these make me look back to my past and see the influences in my life which taught me to cower and accept instead of stand and refute.  Times when I was belittled and shamed for an innocent mishap.  Or when I simply couldn’t raise my voice for fear of embarrassment, ridicule or “blowing things out of proportion.”  I’m tired of listening to these voices and allowing them to pollute my positive self-talk.

Now is the time for to stop doubting and start singing!

on the road to self assertive

“Come on!  Be more assertive and go.”

This was a phrase that I heard in a very unexpected place – on the road!  That’s right, as I am driving, in the normal 2-5mph traffic along a highway, I hear someone at a crossroads shout this to the person in front of them trying to turn into traffic.  Not only was if funny to hear this while driving, but the way the person said it made it even more laughable.

As you know, you expect to hear certain things on the road.  Not so nice things.  That’s why it’s called road rage, not road tea party.  But in this case, it sounded more like a cheer leading squad or an encouraging, bordering on impatient whine.  The person wasn’t yelling or faulting the person’s hesitancy, however, they were also choosing words that wouldn’t fluster or anger the person.  It was a persuasive suggestion.

How many times do I wish I could say this to myself!  “Be more assertive and go talk to that person!”  “Be more assertive and stick by your decision!”  “Be more assertive and tell them how you feel!”  Unfortunately my self-talk ends up sounding more like a person honking their horn behind me causing only anger and humiliation.  Also like road rage, I end up taking out my frustrations on the wrong person instead of being more assertive by confronting the issue at hand.

There are times to be silent and times to be assertive.  One can only hope that at the right time someone will be there to cheer me on.  Ideally, that someone will be myself!