the right to be you

I have been on a hiatus of sorts.  It’s not because I haven’t had any thoughts, concerns or opinions about life.  I guess I just found myself coming up against the same roadblocks, questioning the source, perhaps a common one, of these consistent struggles.

Just the other night I was out with a beautiful artist.  I have seen her work many times and she is a kind-hearted, loving individual.  Yet I hear her say the very words which plague my own heart: can I do it?  Do I have any talent?  Am I beautiful?  I know the answer to all of these questions, but when we are alone with ourselves, we tend to create a comparison which always leaves us feeling less than.  Our society, especially American society, thrives on doing and results.  The expectations placed on us, especially women, make it almost impossible to find satisfaction and pride in oneself.

Society tells women that they must achieve an idyllic beauty which requires youth.  Obviously, this is impossible as we all age, but because so many others strive to reach this imposed rule, we do everything in our power to fulfill it.  Countless, beautiful, brilliant women of all ages with whom I’ve had the pleasure to know, have shared their fear of aging and remaining physically attractive.  The constant fear of gaining even a few pounds or showing signs of a wrinkle plagues their existence.

Then there’s the expectation that women should have it all; if they don’t have both a successful career and children, they disappoint someone.  Many women work hard to obtain an education and use it to compete in an unequal marketplace which not only expects them to give as much, but for less compensation.  Simultaneously, society also places pressure on women to have children whilst making it virtually impossible to maintain the same level of job performance.  Meanwhile, if they do give attention to their work, they may feel guilt or anxiety over their parental role.

As a result, society continues to place women in positions which inevitably cause them to seemingly fall short of its expectations in one area or another.  Personally, I’m tired of never feeling like enough.  No matter how much personal fulfillment I may find apart from society, as soon as I step off my island, I am reminded of my failures.

So how do we break this pattern?  How do we defy these expectations and create ones which build us up rather than tear each other down?  It is hard to walk this path against the grain alone and I don’t believe we are meant to go it alone.  Life is short.  Can we come together and simply claim the right to be ourselves?

It’s all relative

Family members are considered relatives.  But time is also termed as relative.

As our trip back to my home state comes to an end, I couldn’t help but think of relativity.  Several times throughout the trip we encountered things that we now view so differently.  Distances that felt long before race by; cities and directions that were confusing or intimidating now appear manageable; things we used to fear have become normal.  It’s like another lifetime and another world.  The whole experience was very surreal.

My aunt actually asked if we imagined ourselves doing and going the places we’ve been in the past several years.  I guess one can imagine to an extent the end goal, but until you experience it, you can’t begin to imagine the journey getting you there.  The more I explore, the more I can imagine.  The more I imagine, the bolder my explorations become.  And those explorations turn into new adventures, possibilities and opportunities I would never have fathomed.

Coming back to my roots gave me perspective on my life.  It helped me remember where I came from and where I am going.  It gave me strength and confidence to continue moving ahead, knowing that the next big step in my journey, though scary, will also become relative once I’ve experienced it.  Looking back can give one courage to embrace the present and move into the future because we remind ourselves of all the ground we’ve already covered and the exciting unknown territory still ahead of us, just waiting to be discovered.

As I graduate this year and start the next step in my life, I know that even in the face of the new and unfamiliar, in time, it will all become relative.

hiding the numbers

What does it really mean to grow older?

As I look at myself in the mirror, day after day, I know that changes are happening before my very eyes, but I don’t really see them.  Subtle things happen that I grow accustomed to but may be dramatic changes for others who do not see me daily (that’s what’s so great about having a partner – they don’t see things change either).  We don’t perceive ourselves to feel differently, so why should we look it?

However, over the years I’ve made conscious efforts to change my appearance.  As I’ve grown older I’ve changed my styles of dressing, hair and makeup.  Not drastic alterations, but subtle ones to compliment each aging step.  Yet internally I don’t feel any older, but I must if I’m making these changes-or has society just told me how to “age gracefully?”  Slowly covering more up over time and trying to hide years I’ve earned in my life; years full of hard work, victories and losses.  Why should I cover these things up?

We’re taught to hide as women.  Hide our age.  Hide our feelings.  Hide our desires.  But shouldn’t our insides reflect our outsides?  If we feel youthful, excited and passionate on the inside why should we cover that up with a frumpy frock and layers of makeup?  Society does not value age in women.  But until we accept and embrace it ourselves, society will never change.

As I return to the area of my childhood to see friends and family I haven’t seen in years, I know that I will have aged in their eyes.  But instead of trying to hide that or feel ashamed, I’m going to present myself proudly and celebrate that I am still here and I am still me and at every age, I am still valuable.

the cost of time

Where does the time go?

I had all these things planned today that I didn’t even get close to doing.  Good intentions like planning some future meals, making dinner, putting away laundry, and studying for an exam next week.   All down the drain!  “What did you do all day?” asked my husband.  School work which I thought would only take me the morning to accomplish.

So what makes it so difficult to budget time?  Has my generation just been taught to do the job and get it done whatever time it takes?  Is it the perfectionist in me that refuses to settle for anything less resulting in an in ordinate amount of time dedicated to everything I do?  Perhaps it’s my obsession with detail and paranoia which make me check things a hundred times?

Many people would say these are good qualities.  It results in good work.  But at what cost?  Tonight it wasn’t that big of a deal; the meal planning will be there tomorrow, we picked up some dinner while we were out, the clothes are clean which is what is most important and I still have time to study later.  In the future however, as I look back on my life, will I regret investing so much time into doing things well?  Will I realize then that I much rather had spent my time watching the sunset, calling a friend or simply appreciating being alive?

How do we pursue our dreams without letting them take over our whole lives?  How do we find the balance and enjoy all that life has to offer?  Or are we as humans destined to focus on only a few things all of our lives until we “retire” and then truly begin to live the life we always wanted?  How can I live that now?  The time goes by ever so quickly, I don’t want to waste another second!

universal timeline

Are we ever too old?

Well, too old for what, you might ask?  Too old to learn, grow or try something new?  I don’t think so.  Our society creates a seamless timeline for us: college, job, home, family, retirement.  That’s life, right?  But what if your life looks like this:  job, home, college, job, family or job, family, job or home, family, retirement.  Do you get the picture?

Perhaps this timeline doesn’t work for everyone.  Does that mean you’re too old to still attain anything on that timeline at any time?  Or perhaps you don’t even want anything on that timeline.  Does that mean you’re wasting time or don’t fit into society?

I think society does have expectations and restricts people to follow that timeline pretty closely.  However, more acceptance has been made for people to step outside of the box on things like more education later in life; second or third careers; early retirement; no family.  But in the end, in order to reach what society has stated is the reward for following its structured plan for success, one cannot stray far from the line.

Who decided that life should look this way?  We did.  We’re part of society, right?  So how do we break free from this?  It can be very difficult to deviate from the expected norm since society functions around it.  It’s not impossible, but there are many risks and not much security.  In addition, society makes it even more of a challenge by restricting access to certain opportunities based on age.

How can we change this system?  Like anything, it takes time.  But what about your life right now?  Where are you at on the timeline?  Is that where you want to be or have to be?  What would life be like if you skipped around or even erased the timeline altogether?  Who knows what adventures and unfulfilled dreams might come true!

finding life through loss

Is life only about loss?  It would seem contrary if that were the case.  However, it seems as though as soon as we breathe in life, we live counting down.

I remember sitting in a grocery store parking lot while watching an elderly man struggle to just take one step.  It took him what seems like ten minutes to travel from his car to the entrance of the store.  This occurred while I was going through my depression and I just started crying – sobbing really.  Why is life so cruel?  We fight a losing and inevitable battle with our decaying bodies every day.  So what’s the point?

Reality is easier to avoid when we’re younger, still in control of our bodies and minds, or so we think.  But time catches up with us and we all share that same destiny.  We’re stripped of a layer of protection or denial until we really see ourselves.  See what’s important.

The only thing I can decipher out of all of this loss is the preciousness of life.  How as we lose things we find what really matters.  So many things that previously held such importance and investment of time fade into the background.  Life becomes clearer, simpler, purer somehow.   The quality starts to  outweighs the quantity.

So is life about loss?  Or learning to really appreciate life?

an empty tree

Isn’t it strange how we hold onto things that don’t even represent who we are in the present?

As I went through our holiday decorations this year, I only found a few ornaments which still had meaning for me.  Needless to say, our tree is looking pretty bare.  Over the years the ornaments seem to disappear until the box will soon be empty.

Why don’t I buy new things?  I have bought some, but not many have stuck around.  It’s almost as if I have needed to “try them on” to see what fits.  And that’s okay, but somehow the holidays encourage you to remember, to look back and hold on.  So it feels almost wrong and anti-celebratory to let them go.

I guess I want to start my own traditions.  I’m still discovering what they are, though I know this year my hope is to just have everyone I love safe and alive.  With last year’s accident and our dog’s cancer, the best gift I could get is for them to be with me.  Once again, I can’t let go.

But that’s how life is, isn’t it?  Things change and you have to let go and start a new tradition whether it be in a new place, without a loved one, or even with an empty tree.  Only one thing is certain: life will be sure to fill the tree up again in time.

age old age

Age does not discriminate based on sex.  So why do we?  What makes age more acceptable for one gender over another?

Yesterday as I was coming out of the grocery store I noticed the writing on a man’s shirt in front of me.  It said, “Old Guys Rule.”  His car (a little convertible) was parked next to mine so as I went by I said, “Now all we need is a shirt that says ‘Old Ladies Rule.’”  He chuckled and we proceeded to get into our own vehicles.

I couldn’t help but think that this was the perfect stereotype of age in society.  An older man is seen as attractive because of the wealth, wisdom, power and experience he has accrued over time.  His altered looks are received as “distinguished” and his position both socially and professionally demand respect.  Hence the new and popular phrase -“Old Guys Rule.”

So what about the stereotype of old ladies?  Do they “rule” in society?  No, they are perceived as worn out, penny pinchers, feeble and helpless.  Their appearance is harshly critiqued and their position in society is one most women dread to reach because they tend to be discarded and ignored.  If an older woman should be aggressive, she’s labeled as animal- like; a cougar.  And age is somehow relative in the case of men and women.  A woman becomes old at a younger age than a man and sometimes being labeled as old has nothing to do with numbers.  Hence the popular phrase – “my old lady.”

So how do we break this double standard?  How do we grow old together without different expectations?  Growing old is hard enough, let’s make it easier on ourselves and each other.  Because we’re in this together – so can why can’t “Old Ladies Rule” too?

 

Act your age?

Yesterday I gained a greater appreciation for the patience of the elderly.  Getting old is not discriminatory, so why do we discriminate against it?

The car I normally drive, a little Chevy Cobalt, had to go into the shop.  So yesterday I had the privilege of taking my husband’s regular form of transportation – a Lincoln Mark VIII.  Did I mention it is long, silver and boat-like?  But it’s got the monopoly on luxury: fake wood panel interior, leather lower back adjustable seats, power everything and to top it all off, a V-8 engine.  Needless to say the ride was smooth and powerful – but a bit aggravating.  Why?  You might ask.  Because I got cut off so many times on and off the freeway I lost count.

Why did this occur in this car and not my Chevy?  I didn’t drive any differently than I do normally.  And then it hit me!  Age discrimination!  People took one look at the car and immediately assumed it was driven by an older person and didn’t want to get stuck behind me.  Ugh!  Now granted, there is some legitimacy to this assumption that luxury vehicles are more likely to be owned by older individuals.  It makes sense that someone of an advanced age would want more comfort in their vehicle and that they have accumulated over time, the wealth to obtain such transportation.  But does that mean that we immediately assign certain qualities of driving to a specific age range and vehicle preference?

My grandfather loved to drive.  And let me tell you, age had nothing on him.  He used the V-8 engine in his powder blue Pontiac with all the bells and whistles.  This is a man who took loving care of that vehicle because it was a source of independence and danger – and he pushed the edges of danger.  He always drove with one hand at the bottom of the wheel like a cool cat and kept his reflexes long into his seventies.

So instead of making things easier for each other as we age, we make it harder.  People see a certain type of vehicle and drive more aggressively around it.  No wonder the elderly get more nervous driving because people are flying by them as soon as they see the kind of car they drive!  I know I got nervous and frustrated and ended up hitting my brake and driving more slowly because I was afraid of all the people cutting me off and trying to maneuver around me were going to cause an accident.

I applaud older people for their patience of putting up with this kind of behavior and discrimination.  My husband asked how I liked driving the Lincoln and I said I enjoyed driving it but everyone else on the road didn’t seem to like it!  How can we stop judging appearances and treat everyone with the respect and equality they deserve no matter what they’re driving and at any age?

only a number

Age before beauty, right?  What is age really?  I’m not talking about the number of years one has existed on this planet.  What I’d like to explore is the importance of age in our society.  One would think that more years would be more valuable as one gains experience, wisdom, skill and relationships.  However, in today’s culture the opposite seems to be true.  Why do we fight our age?

I turned 36 years old today.  It’s taken me a long time to be proud of my age- 35 years in fact.  It was my husband who encouraged and empowered me to embrace my age.  Like everyone, I first went through the stage of wanting to be older so I could participate in the “important things” in life and be seen as an adult.  Once an adult, I longed to be younger in some ways, but still longed for the kind of respect those with more age tended to receive.  When going back to college I felt so caught between looking a certain age, acting another and actually being in my thirties.  But what does it really matter?  What does it all mean?

Part of me was proud to go back to college “at my age” and be that “non-traditional” student following their dreams.  Once I started attending school I found it more difficult to claim my age because it seemed much easier to “fit in” by allowing others to think I was younger.  I didn’t feel left out necessarily, but I knew I could never have the experience I would have had ten years prior.  At the same time, that wasn’t why I went back to college – to try to regain a sense of youth.  In fact, I went to better myself for the years to come.

And that’s what we’re all moving towards in our lives – the years to come.  So if these years are inevitable for everyone, why do we fight them?  Why do we do everything to prevent the signs and indications which come with time?  With these outward symbols come the inward benefits of cherished memories, exciting victories, countless accomplishments, goals set and met, reaping the benefits of life lessons and passing on our wisdom to others.  What’s so scary or undesirable about all of those things?

The number of years I’ve been on this planet is just a number.  It doesn’t define me.  It doesn’t make me who I am.  It is however, a badge I wear proudly because not everyone has the privilege of seeing the age of 36.  Not everyone lives long enough to gain what I have in my life during that time – the love, joy, pain, pleasure, failures, successes, fulfillment and birth of dreams and precious memories.  So in the end, I don’t think age goes before beauty.  I think age is beauty.   So how old are you?