a winner in the midst of losing

Celebrating life.

I feel like I took a turn today.  The painful sting of those last days has begun to lessen in comparison to the joy which was Sam’s life.  No longer am I saddened when I see the sidewalks we walked together or the empty spot where her bed used to be.  A certain heaviness still lingers, but now I want to see her everywhere I look because I’m not ready to let go…and perhaps I never will be.

Gratitude is replacing grief, ever so slowly.  Inch by inch, my heart is filling up with all of the memories of what we had the privilege to share together.  How she shaped my life and was like my angel in the house.   For eleven years we spent almost every day together-cuddling, exercising, eating, playing or sleeping.  Whatever it was, we were together and that’s what mattered.

As I drove by PetSmart today I saw a man pick up his large dog who seemed frightened of the rain and carry him to his car.  The dog was a soft, fluffy, teddy bear looking dog who seemed completely at ease and content in his owner’s arms.  A week ago that would have made me cry, but today it brought joy to my heart to see someone else share the kind of love I had with Sam.

I can remember how she used to settle for nothing less than our complete attention.  If we were reading a book or on our computers she would thrust her whole head on top of whatever was in our laps or just subtly start licking it.  One couldn’t help but admire her persistence because unless you moved the object it would end up soggy, full of her hair or malfunctioning.  She always won; but you never felt like the loser.

So how can I feel like a loser now?  Sure I’ve lost something, but I have already won just by knowing her.